When "Thoughts and Prayers" Aren't Enough

“My thoughts and prayers are with the victims.”
“I’m praying for you.”
“You’re in my prayers.”
“My heart goes out to the families of the victims.”

In times of tragedy, whether personal, community or greater, we always hear the same responses. Every. Single. Time.

I’m guilty. I’ve said them. I’ve said them because I truly believe there is power in prayer. I truly believe that God can and will continue to work through prayer. I have seen it in my own life and I have seen it in the lives of the ones I love. And maybe it’s just me, but there have been times where I have told someone I was going to be praying for them, had really good intentions to, and then just got busy with my own stuff. I forgot. I pushed it aside. So my good intentions, my “thoughts and prayers” were just something I could say to make myself feel better. Instead of sending my thoughts and prayers, recently I’ve tried to become more intentional when people I love are experiencing tragedy. “I’m praying for you” becomes “How can I pray for you right now, right here?” and “What can I do?” Sometimes the answer is that there is nothing I can do. But most of the time, just being there, sitting and walking through grief with someone means so much more than hearing the words “I’m praying for you.”

The intention is to stay present. The goal is to act. I’m grieved by another senseless tragedy. My heart is broken past the point of anger. I’m tired of all of this. I’m tired of saying “enough is enough” with these mass shootings. I’m tired of all of it. The last few days I’ve been thinking about what it means to stay present and act. And honestly, I can’t come up with a solution.

One side says it’s a gun problem.

The other side says it’s a mental health problem.

Neither side can get along with the other because neither side will fully listen. In my first class of grad school, we learned about finding common ground and listening to understand. The goal of common ground isn’t to necessarily change the other person’s opinion or even to find a solution, but to fully listen to what they are saying without arguing. Each side gets a chance to share their opinion and repeat back to the other person what they hear. In doing this, communication can happen in a way that honors and values opinions other than our own. Maybe we need to practice some common ground techniques with each other to jump into action. We need to hear each side to understand where everyone is coming from.

I don’t know what the solution is. And honestly, it’s driving me crazy that I can’t figure it out. I can’t figure out what needs to happen. But I know something needs to happen.
I don’t think we can fully blame this problem on guns or mental health. I don’t know if I would ever personally own a gun, but I respect the right to bear arms. However, this right to bear arms needs to be reformed and have greater restrictions. Not all gun owners are murderers. In fact, most of them probably aren’t. But realistically, would stricter gun laws put an end to the frequency of these mass shootings? Just like drugs, even if something is illegal and harder to get, the wrong people will always find a way to obtain it if they really want it.

At the same time, completely focusing on mental health increases the already too frequent stigma surrounding mental health and mental illness. This is an area dear to my heart, as I fight to abolish this stigma. So, every time something like this happens, mental health gets brought up again and I cringe. It’s a never-ending cycle. Yes, we do have a mental health crisis, and yes, I would say that every person who commits a mass shooting is experiencing some form of mental illness. However, not everyone who experiences mental illness is a mass murderer.

In my opinion, it’s a heart problem, a gun problem and a mental health problem. Still, I don’t have a solution. But I want to keep this conversation active. I want to talk about this. I want to help prevent another school shooting where 14 high school students and 3 staff members die because we are arguing about guns and mental health. It’s time to get over ourselves and listen to one another to understand. It goes beyond this argument and into life as we care for and love one another. Disagreement is inevitable. So when we disagree, it’s time we tell ourselves to stop and listen. Not to change our mind. Not to change the other person’s mind. But to understand one another and to love one another by validating their opinion.

Last night, I babysat two of my favorite littles. I put them to bed and went back upstairs to clean up our mess. I sat down to watch the Olympics and I could hear the four year old talking to herself. I had told her I would come check on her like I always tell her. And if I’m honest, sometimes it doesn’t happen. She either falls asleep before I get down there or her parents come home. After a minute or two of her talking, and talking to me through the monitor I decided I would go back down and cuddle her. It’s what she needed. It was different than normal but I recognized a need and I decided to be present and intentional. I decided to stay present and act. And the whole time I was talking to her, singing to her and cuddling her, I was thinking about what I can do to make sure she is safe at school. I still don’t have the answer, but I want to have the conversation. I want to take action to prevent this from happening again.

I encourage you to read the names of the victims. Even better (but harder) I encourage you to read their stories. I hope it motivates you to stay present, be intentional and act. We can’t forget them. We can’t push it aside and move on. We can’t only keep them in our thoughts and prayers. Pray for God to guide you in action for change. Stay present. Be intentional. Act.

Aaron Feis, 37
Alyssa Alhadeff, 14
Scott Beigel, 35
Martin Duque Anguiano, 14
Nicholas Dworet, 17
Jaime Guttenberg, 14
Christopher Hixon, 49
Luke Hoyer, 15
Cara Loughran, 14
Gina Montalto, 14
Joaquin Oliver, 17
Alaina Petty, 14
Meadow Pollack, 18
Helena Ramsay, 17
Alexander Schachter, 14
Carmen Schentrup, 16
Peter Wang, 15

My prayer (and I’m really praying it right now) is that you are inspired and encouraged to act. And if, like me, you don’t know where to start, I pray you would join the conversation. I pray you would listen to understand those who think differently than you. And I pray you will never forget to be present in the lives of your hurting friends and family. Stay present. Be intentional. Act.

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.

Breakups, Heartbreak and My God in the Midst

This is about to be really real. It's about to be really raw. And it's about to be really emotional. Partly because it's 3 in the morning when I'm starting this and partly because breaking up is hard.

I'm a feeler. My parents are both feelers. My grandpa is a feeler. I had no hope to not feel. I feel deeply. And I wear my heart on my sleeve. So as I went to bed on the 4th, I could sense the breakup coming. And I could feel the push from God saying that it is time. I didn't want to. Not one part of me wanted to end things with the man I deeply love. In fact, my initial and honest response wanted to be disobedience. I went to bed thinking we were broken up and woke up with a message saying that we were still together. It wasn't all pretty after that. In fact, it was pretty ugly. I think breaking up is probably one of the worst things ever. But I also think that, when you're really in love with someone,but you know that you need to part ways, or you know you aren't the best for that other person or you just know something isn't right, it's better for everyone to just accept the pain. does it suck? Absolutely. It sucks so much more than I could have ever imagined. Sorry Mom, I know you hate that word, but there's no other way to say it. When you love someone, you want what is best for their life. And when you realize that you aren't the best, it's time to move forward and part ways. And I still love him. So the best thing I can do, because I know it was the right decision, is to pray for him. For his happiness, his future, his son, his peace, his growth and his success.

As much as I didn't want this, because no one ever wants heartbreak, I know God has been preparing my heart for a while. And because He knows and loves me deeply, He knew that my heart would hurt a lot. He knew that I would cry a lot of tears. He knew in advance that not even a week before the breakup, I would write a blog post about trusting God, clothing myself with strength and dignity without fear of the future and loving Him, even and especially when things don't go as I planned.

My heart is broken today. But my heart isn't only broken for my circumstances. I let go of someone I love very much out of obedience to God. I know it is what is best for both of us, as much as it hurts now. I know that God is going to be there in every step of my pain and every time I just plain miss him. So yes, my heart is broken for a lost relationship. But my heart is even more broken, once again for this world that we live in.

Two black men were shot and killed by the police this week. In all honesty, the week that I've had emotionally, I didn't really want to read the articles or watch the videos about these tragedies. But what I know is that tragically, two more black men lost their lives.

Five police officers were killed in Dallas last night. Five. By one gunman.

This isn't a gun problem, people. It's a people problem. It's a heart problem. It's a sin problem. These just hit me too close to home. When people put all police officers in a box and say that law enforcement is bad and is out to get black people, that's a gut shot. Don't get me wrong, racism is far from gone. Racism seems to only be getting worse. We try to be blind to it, we try to cover it up, we try to deny it, but there is no denying the fact that racism is not even near being dead. But, to say that all police officers are bad is saying that my sister is bad. It's saying that my dad - the most amazing and compassionate man I know - is bad. It's saying that people I hold very dear to my heart are bad. We can't be so naive to think that there are no bad cops. But we also can't be so ignorant to believe that all cops are bad. Taking the badge is a sign of duty, respect and service to the community. Many of the officers out there put their lives on the line every day to protect and to serve, not to target black people and to kill them.

In the same way, we have to acknowledge, grieve and despise the fact that black people are getting targeted. Two black men shot by police this week. By the police. Which means these are the only two black lives lost that we heard of. This doesn't include racially motivated shootings by any other group, gang or individual. This week. If we were to take a look at the statistics, what would they say about this month, this year so far? This is unjust. This is uncalled for. It angers and disgusts me to think that we live in America in 2016 and this is still happening. We can do better.

It tears my heart to pieces when I think about the families of those who lost their lives this week. Of those who lost their lives in Orlando. Of those who lost their lives in every act of injustice taken out on them because of their skin color, because of their occupation, because of their religion or because of their sexuality. Our world desperately needs Jesus. Our country desperately needs Jesus. We need to hope again. I can't take much more of this. But the answer is never violence. All violence does is stir up hatred in a vicious cycle. We need more love. For everyone. Black lives matter. Police lives matter. Life matters.

Life matters because God says life matters. It's honestly hard to see God in all of this sometimes. But as Mr. Rogers so wisely said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” We can see God in the helpers. We can see God in the way He reveals Himself to us if we allow Him to. We find Him when we seek comfort for the overwhelming grief we feel for the fact that two black men and five police officers died this week. He is with us. He is wrapping us in His arms. He loves us through our grief.

For me, this week, I saw Him in His timing. I listened to Him, and over and over again He affirmed me. He reminded me to continue to listen to Him. He knows the plans He has, and He is leading me on the path He wants me to be on. Instead of disobedience, I am choosing to obey. Instead of dwelling in my sorrow, I pray. I pray for my heart, I pray for my future, I pray for all life to be honored. I pray for our country. I pray for the decision America has to make in the next few months. I can't let sorrow get the best of me. I can't let my heartbreak overcome me. I have to choose obedience every single day. Does that mean that my pain is completely gone? Nope. Still sucks. But it means that I'm healing and I'm letting God take my pain and use it for good. I'm allowing Him to take my sorrow and turn it to joy.

So as you lay these things in our Father's hands, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice, and let God overwhelm you with His strength and comfort. In such a time as this, clothe yourself in strength and dignity, and laugh without fear of your future.

Enough Is Enough

Unthinkable. Senseless. Sickening. Inconceivable. No matter what adjective you choose to use, there is heartbreak in the world every single day, and a whole lot of hatred. I've seen it too much this week to be silent. Because I'm done. I'm done with the violence. I'm done with the hate. I'm done with the response when any sort of hatred is executed. Too many times, people focus on the politics, the racism, the gun control, and the swimming times. It's legalistic. It's impersonal. We forget the victims. We forget the fact that these are or were real, live people with feelings and that they have families with feelings too. We forget that at the end of the day, love is the most powerful tool and weapon we have. Love has the power to heal the broken hearts. Love has the power to unite. Love has the power to speak for those who can't speak for themselves. Love has the power to change hearts. Love has the power to help the grieving. Love has the power to bring peace. And boy do we need peace. Love has the power to see hearts despite religion, color and sexual orientation. Love has the power to wrap the hurt and broken into His arms and weep. Love has the power to bring life. Love has the power to bring hope. My God is this love, and He has equipped us with the tools to love people this way. But we aren't. We are choosing to be silent, or to focus on the wrong things. After the attack in Orlando, Jen Hatmaker posted this on Facebook:

We read about the mass shooting at the LGBT club in Orlando on the way to church. The ANC community cried and prayed and lamented and lit candles. I had to come home and take my contacts out. My black friends taught me something important, particularly after the mass shooting in Charleston at Emanuel AME Church, which was a targeted mass murder like this one aimed specifically at a people group: When people anywhere have been targeted and murdered that share something specific with you - race, sexual orientation, religion - it is not only terrorism against the victims but psychological terrorism against their people group. It shakes down your sense of security and safety, because truly, it could have been you, your brother, your best friend, your dad. It IS you, your brother, your best friend, your dad. What hurts one, hurts all. What my black friends taught me is that the ancillary offense, where grief is compounded and loneliness sets in, is when their friends and colleagues outside of their tribe say NOTHING. When their churches don't stop and grieve. When their coworkers are silent. When their neighbors look the other way because they aren't sure what to say, so they say nothing. Our gay friends and kids and church members and neighbors are particularly hurting and scared today. As are their mamas and daddies and sisters and children. This targeted hate and violence is not just shocking the Orlando community (and the rest of us), but specifically the LGBT community and everyone that loves them. Here is what we can do: Call your gay friend, neighbor, daughter, college roommate, son, coworker, church member, brother - call them voice to voice, or even better, face to face where you can put loving arms around them and say: "This was unspeakable. This was horrible. This was unconscionable. I see this evil and I condemn it fully. I will sit right here and grieve with you. We will not gloss this over or forget. You might feel unsafe or insecure or scared today, and I want you to know you are not alone. I love you and I stand by you." Don't say nothing. The way to battle this kind of evil is to overcome it with love according to Jesus who, by the way, would be smack in the middle of Orlando if he was still walking around down here, attending to wounds and souls and beloved hearts. Put your arms around your gay friends and family members and speak love and solidarity and presence and hope into their lives. God in heaven, be near.

Guess what, y'all, not only would Jesus be smack in the middle of Orlando attending to wounds and souls and beloved hearts, but He would expect us to be doing the same. He would be weeping with the families of those who lost their loved ones. His heart would hurt for every single person affected by this heinous act of terror. Jesus wouldn't care if they were a part of the LGBT community. He doesn't say to us: "Love your neighbor as yourself...as long as they are Republican, as long as they are straight, as long as they are white, as long as they go to church every single Sunday and Wednesday." No. As Christians, "Little Christs", we are called to love all people, regardless of what they believe, what they stand for, and who they are. We are called to stand beside them in their pain and in their grief and weep with them. The hardest part of all of this is that we are also called to pray for those who persecute us. That means the bullies that persecute us in our schools, the rapists who happen to be really good swimmers, the people like Kevin Loibl who might have targeted Christina Grimmie because she was a Christian, and the people who persecute and target our country as a whole. Our instant response is hatred. Our instant response is to target and call out specific groups of people, to point fingers, and place blame. As much as you don't want to hear it and as much as I don't want to hear it, we are all bad. We all deserve hell. We all sin, and every sin creates a chasm between us and God. We fall short. Some people just choose to express their badness in worse ways. They choose to act in a larger scale than you and I. As much as you and I also don't want to hear this, God desires that ALL of the people He created choose Him. He sees our sin, but still loves us and wants us to come to Him. All of us. God can change hearts and bring unexpected people to Him. By refusing to pray for those who persecute us, we are no longer little Christs, but we are little Jonahs. We don't pray for them because of our hate, because we have been persecuted, because they are wicked, and ultimately because we know God can change their hearts if they turn to Him. Here's the bottom line: we live in a terribly broken and fallen world. We live in a time where there is more hate than there is love. We live in a time where political correctness has taken over and anyone can go and buy guns, even if they are on the FBI watchlist, because we are afraid to offend. There is racism all around us. I hate it. There are anti-gay protests everywhere. I hate them. There is sexual assault happening daily and people are getting just a slap on the wrist, while the victims live for the rest of their lives in fear, and with the pain of being attacked. I hate that. Please, for the love, don't worry so much about the lifestyle that other people live. You make your own choices on how you live and how you follow God. What we all need to work on is love. Let them know us by our love. Next time there is an act of terrorism or an act of violence clearly targeting a specific group, let them run to us as little Christs because we love like Him. He would be the first one by the side of those in grief and in pain. He would also be turning over tables on all of us who are choosing to keep the focus on the wrong things. John Piper says, "When we are done trying to establish, 'Is this my neighbor?' — the decisive issue of love remains: What kind of person am I?" Be the kind of person who loves endlessly, despite differences. Be the kind of person who grieves with those who are grieving. Be the kind of person people run to when they are under attack. Love. Show people what love really means. Bring love, solidarity, presence and hope. "This was unspeakable. This was horrible. This was unconscionable. I see this evil and I condemn it fully. I will sit right here and grieve with you. We will not gloss this over or forget. You might feel unsafe or insecure or scared today, and I want you to know you are not alone. I love you and I stand by you." And for the love, DO NOT BE SILENT. Love is not silent. Love shouts. Love has no bounds. Love pushes past borders and jumps right in. 1 John 4:18 tells us love has no fear. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." Love is action. Be that love.