When "Thoughts and Prayers" Aren't Enough

“My thoughts and prayers are with the victims.”
“I’m praying for you.”
“You’re in my prayers.”
“My heart goes out to the families of the victims.”

In times of tragedy, whether personal, community or greater, we always hear the same responses. Every. Single. Time.

I’m guilty. I’ve said them. I’ve said them because I truly believe there is power in prayer. I truly believe that God can and will continue to work through prayer. I have seen it in my own life and I have seen it in the lives of the ones I love. And maybe it’s just me, but there have been times where I have told someone I was going to be praying for them, had really good intentions to, and then just got busy with my own stuff. I forgot. I pushed it aside. So my good intentions, my “thoughts and prayers” were just something I could say to make myself feel better. Instead of sending my thoughts and prayers, recently I’ve tried to become more intentional when people I love are experiencing tragedy. “I’m praying for you” becomes “How can I pray for you right now, right here?” and “What can I do?” Sometimes the answer is that there is nothing I can do. But most of the time, just being there, sitting and walking through grief with someone means so much more than hearing the words “I’m praying for you.”

The intention is to stay present. The goal is to act. I’m grieved by another senseless tragedy. My heart is broken past the point of anger. I’m tired of all of this. I’m tired of saying “enough is enough” with these mass shootings. I’m tired of all of it. The last few days I’ve been thinking about what it means to stay present and act. And honestly, I can’t come up with a solution.

One side says it’s a gun problem.

The other side says it’s a mental health problem.

Neither side can get along with the other because neither side will fully listen. In my first class of grad school, we learned about finding common ground and listening to understand. The goal of common ground isn’t to necessarily change the other person’s opinion or even to find a solution, but to fully listen to what they are saying without arguing. Each side gets a chance to share their opinion and repeat back to the other person what they hear. In doing this, communication can happen in a way that honors and values opinions other than our own. Maybe we need to practice some common ground techniques with each other to jump into action. We need to hear each side to understand where everyone is coming from.

I don’t know what the solution is. And honestly, it’s driving me crazy that I can’t figure it out. I can’t figure out what needs to happen. But I know something needs to happen.
I don’t think we can fully blame this problem on guns or mental health. I don’t know if I would ever personally own a gun, but I respect the right to bear arms. However, this right to bear arms needs to be reformed and have greater restrictions. Not all gun owners are murderers. In fact, most of them probably aren’t. But realistically, would stricter gun laws put an end to the frequency of these mass shootings? Just like drugs, even if something is illegal and harder to get, the wrong people will always find a way to obtain it if they really want it.

At the same time, completely focusing on mental health increases the already too frequent stigma surrounding mental health and mental illness. This is an area dear to my heart, as I fight to abolish this stigma. So, every time something like this happens, mental health gets brought up again and I cringe. It’s a never-ending cycle. Yes, we do have a mental health crisis, and yes, I would say that every person who commits a mass shooting is experiencing some form of mental illness. However, not everyone who experiences mental illness is a mass murderer.

In my opinion, it’s a heart problem, a gun problem and a mental health problem. Still, I don’t have a solution. But I want to keep this conversation active. I want to talk about this. I want to help prevent another school shooting where 14 high school students and 3 staff members die because we are arguing about guns and mental health. It’s time to get over ourselves and listen to one another to understand. It goes beyond this argument and into life as we care for and love one another. Disagreement is inevitable. So when we disagree, it’s time we tell ourselves to stop and listen. Not to change our mind. Not to change the other person’s mind. But to understand one another and to love one another by validating their opinion.

Last night, I babysat two of my favorite littles. I put them to bed and went back upstairs to clean up our mess. I sat down to watch the Olympics and I could hear the four year old talking to herself. I had told her I would come check on her like I always tell her. And if I’m honest, sometimes it doesn’t happen. She either falls asleep before I get down there or her parents come home. After a minute or two of her talking, and talking to me through the monitor I decided I would go back down and cuddle her. It’s what she needed. It was different than normal but I recognized a need and I decided to be present and intentional. I decided to stay present and act. And the whole time I was talking to her, singing to her and cuddling her, I was thinking about what I can do to make sure she is safe at school. I still don’t have the answer, but I want to have the conversation. I want to take action to prevent this from happening again.

I encourage you to read the names of the victims. Even better (but harder) I encourage you to read their stories. I hope it motivates you to stay present, be intentional and act. We can’t forget them. We can’t push it aside and move on. We can’t only keep them in our thoughts and prayers. Pray for God to guide you in action for change. Stay present. Be intentional. Act.

Aaron Feis, 37
Alyssa Alhadeff, 14
Scott Beigel, 35
Martin Duque Anguiano, 14
Nicholas Dworet, 17
Jaime Guttenberg, 14
Christopher Hixon, 49
Luke Hoyer, 15
Cara Loughran, 14
Gina Montalto, 14
Joaquin Oliver, 17
Alaina Petty, 14
Meadow Pollack, 18
Helena Ramsay, 17
Alexander Schachter, 14
Carmen Schentrup, 16
Peter Wang, 15

My prayer (and I’m really praying it right now) is that you are inspired and encouraged to act. And if, like me, you don’t know where to start, I pray you would join the conversation. I pray you would listen to understand those who think differently than you. And I pray you will never forget to be present in the lives of your hurting friends and family. Stay present. Be intentional. Act.

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.

I'm With You.

I wore a safety pin today. One of my kids at school asked me about it. So I told him I am wearing it so people know I'm a safe person to talk to. A while later his friend noticed it and asked me. Instead of me having to be the one to explain, the first child said, "It's so people know she's safe to talk to." They are three and four. They get it. They get that people might not feel safe so they need to know who is ok to talk to, and who is going to stand with them.

I was humbled by this four year old responding to his friend so quickly and matter-of-factly. It was so sweet, but it also made me sad. We live in a world where children witness violence, hatred and discrimination every single day. Kids humble me because they not only see and understand more than we give them credit for, but they see and speak truth. They see good in people when the world seems to be falling apart. My prayer is that kids will always see the good in all people. No matter what. Period. End of story.

I am broken right now. I am shocked, saddened and infuriated by the rise in hate crimes. I am appalled by the division in our country in a time we need unity. And I'm proud of the people I know who are standing up for the marginalized, the abused, the hated - the same ones Jesus would be loving the heck out of if He were here walking with us today. Jesus talks about loving the poor. He talks about loving the oppressed. He broke social norms and used His power and His love to attract and to welcome the marginalized. He sat with the tax collectors and the prostitutes. He seeks and He saves those who are lost. He extends grace. He loves the unloved and the unlovable. One of my absolute favorite passages in the Bible is Matthew 25:31-46:

“31 When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. 33 And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 35 for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; 36 I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? 38 When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? 39 Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40 And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

41 “Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: 42 for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; 43 I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’

44 “Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ 45 Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46 And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

You guys, God isn't asking us to only support and be there for and love those who look exactly like us. He calls us to love all. To love the least of these. He calls us to love the ones who are deemed by society as unlovable. So that's what I will do. I am wearing a safety pin because Jesus asks me to love those who are cast out by society. I am wearing a safety pin because there are people who have never experienced the unimaginable, powerful, amazing love of Jesus because the Christians they have met are judgmental, and make them feel as if they are unwelcome and unwanted in the Kingdom God invites all who believe in Him to enter. I am wearing a safety pin so I can share the same Gospel I love and believe with everyone not necessarily only by the words I speak, but by the actions I take and the way that I love people wholeheartedly.

I can't stop there though. Wearing a safety pin is not enough.

I will speak up when I see discrimination. I will stand up for those being discriminated against. I won't tolerate it.

I will speak up when I see abuse. I will stand up for those being abused - emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually. I won't tolerate it.

I will speak up against hatred. I will stand up for those who are hated. I won't tolerate it.

I will speak up against the stigma surrounding mental health. I will stand up for those experiencing all different types of mental health struggles. I won't tolerate people disregarding the struggle.

I will be silent so that when you need to be heard, you have a safe place to talk. I refuse to laugh at you when you cry, brush it off as if it's no big deal, tell you to suck it up, but will cry with you, affirm your feelings, and ask you how I can support you. I will love you relentlessly.

I was born into white privilege. I probably will never understand exactly what you are going through. I am a Christian. I may not agree with everything you believe or think. I am straight. I may not agree with or live your lifestyle. But I will not judge you if you come to me. I will not make you feel like less than you are because of who you are. If my two little three and four year olds can get it, maybe some other people can too.