I'm a feeler. My parents are both feelers. My grandpa is a feeler. I had no hope to not feel. I feel deeply. And I wear my heart on my sleeve. So as I went to bed on the 4th, I could sense the breakup coming. And I could feel the push from God saying that it is time. I didn't want to. Not one part of me wanted to end things with the man I deeply love. In fact, my initial and honest response wanted to be disobedience. I went to bed thinking we were broken up and woke up with a message saying that we were still together. It wasn't all pretty after that. In fact, it was pretty ugly. I think breaking up is probably one of the worst things ever. But I also think that, when you're really in love with someone,but you know that you need to part ways, or you know you aren't the best for that other person or you just know something isn't right, it's better for everyone to just accept the pain. does it suck? Absolutely. It sucks so much more than I could have ever imagined. Sorry Mom, I know you hate that word, but there's no other way to say it. When you love someone, you want what is best for their life. And when you realize that you aren't the best, it's time to move forward and part ways. And I still love him. So the best thing I can do, because I know it was the right decision, is to pray for him. For his happiness, his future, his son, his peace, his growth and his success.
As much as I didn't want this, because no one ever wants heartbreak, I know God has been preparing my heart for a while. And because He knows and loves me deeply, He knew that my heart would hurt a lot. He knew that I would cry a lot of tears. He knew in advance that not even a week before the breakup, I would write a blog post about trusting God, clothing myself with strength and dignity without fear of the future and loving Him, even and especially when things don't go as I planned.
My heart is broken today. But my heart isn't only broken for my circumstances. I let go of someone I love very much out of obedience to God. I know it is what is best for both of us, as much as it hurts now. I know that God is going to be there in every step of my pain and every time I just plain miss him. So yes, my heart is broken for a lost relationship. But my heart is even more broken, once again for this world that we live in.
Two black men were shot and killed by the police this week. In all honesty, the week that I've had emotionally, I didn't really want to read the articles or watch the videos about these tragedies. But what I know is that tragically, two more black men lost their lives.
Five police officers were killed in Dallas last night. Five. By one gunman.
This isn't a gun problem, people. It's a people problem. It's a heart problem. It's a sin problem. These just hit me too close to home. When people put all police officers in a box and say that law enforcement is bad and is out to get black people, that's a gut shot. Don't get me wrong, racism is far from gone. Racism seems to only be getting worse. We try to be blind to it, we try to cover it up, we try to deny it, but there is no denying the fact that racism is not even near being dead. But, to say that all police officers are bad is saying that my sister is bad. It's saying that my dad - the most amazing and compassionate man I know - is bad. It's saying that people I hold very dear to my heart are bad. We can't be so naive to think that there are no bad cops. But we also can't be so ignorant to believe that all cops are bad. Taking the badge is a sign of duty, respect and service to the community. Many of the officers out there put their lives on the line every day to protect and to serve, not to target black people and to kill them.
In the same way, we have to acknowledge, grieve and despise the fact that black people are getting targeted. Two black men shot by police this week. By the police. Which means these are the only two black lives lost that we heard of. This doesn't include racially motivated shootings by any other group, gang or individual. This week. If we were to take a look at the statistics, what would they say about this month, this year so far? This is unjust. This is uncalled for. It angers and disgusts me to think that we live in America in 2016 and this is still happening. We can do better.
It tears my heart to pieces when I think about the families of those who lost their lives this week. Of those who lost their lives in Orlando. Of those who lost their lives in every act of injustice taken out on them because of their skin color, because of their occupation, because of their religion or because of their sexuality. Our world desperately needs Jesus. Our country desperately needs Jesus. We need to hope again. I can't take much more of this. But the answer is never violence. All violence does is stir up hatred in a vicious cycle. We need more love. For everyone. Black lives matter. Police lives matter. Life matters.
Life matters because God says life matters. It's honestly hard to see God in all of this sometimes. But as Mr. Rogers so wisely said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” We can see God in the helpers. We can see God in the way He reveals Himself to us if we allow Him to. We find Him when we seek comfort for the overwhelming grief we feel for the fact that two black men and five police officers died this week. He is with us. He is wrapping us in His arms. He loves us through our grief.
For me, this week, I saw Him in His timing. I listened to Him, and over and over again He affirmed me. He reminded me to continue to listen to Him. He knows the plans He has, and He is leading me on the path He wants me to be on. Instead of disobedience, I am choosing to obey. Instead of dwelling in my sorrow, I pray. I pray for my heart, I pray for my future, I pray for all life to be honored. I pray for our country. I pray for the decision America has to make in the next few months. I can't let sorrow get the best of me. I can't let my heartbreak overcome me. I have to choose obedience every single day. Does that mean that my pain is completely gone? Nope. Still sucks. But it means that I'm healing and I'm letting God take my pain and use it for good. I'm allowing Him to take my sorrow and turn it to joy.
So as you lay these things in our Father's hands, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice, and let God overwhelm you with His strength and comfort. In such a time as this, clothe yourself in strength and dignity, and laugh without fear of your future.
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