“I’m praying for you.”
“You’re in my prayers.”
“My heart goes out to the families of the victims.”
In times of tragedy, whether personal, community or greater, we always hear the same responses. Every. Single. Time.
I’m guilty. I’ve said them. I’ve said them because I truly believe there is power in prayer. I truly believe that God can and will continue to work through prayer. I have seen it in my own life and I have seen it in the lives of the ones I love. And maybe it’s just me, but there have been times where I have told someone I was going to be praying for them, had really good intentions to, and then just got busy with my own stuff. I forgot. I pushed it aside. So my good intentions, my “thoughts and prayers” were just something I could say to make myself feel better. Instead of sending my thoughts and prayers, recently I’ve tried to become more intentional when people I love are experiencing tragedy. “I’m praying for you” becomes “How can I pray for you right now, right here?” and “What can I do?” Sometimes the answer is that there is nothing I can do. But most of the time, just being there, sitting and walking through grief with someone means so much more than hearing the words “I’m praying for you.”
The intention is to stay present. The goal is to act. I’m grieved by another senseless tragedy. My heart is broken past the point of anger. I’m tired of all of this. I’m tired of saying “enough is enough” with these mass shootings. I’m tired of all of it. The last few days I’ve been thinking about what it means to stay present and act. And honestly, I can’t come up with a solution.
One side says it’s a gun problem.
The other side says it’s a mental health problem.
Neither side can get along with the other because neither side will fully listen. In my first class of grad school, we learned about finding common ground and listening to understand. The goal of common ground isn’t to necessarily change the other person’s opinion or even to find a solution, but to fully listen to what they are saying without arguing. Each side gets a chance to share their opinion and repeat back to the other person what they hear. In doing this, communication can happen in a way that honors and values opinions other than our own. Maybe we need to practice some common ground techniques with each other to jump into action. We need to hear each side to understand where everyone is coming from.
I don’t know what the solution is. And honestly, it’s driving me crazy that I can’t figure it out. I can’t figure out what needs to happen. But I know something needs to happen.
I don’t think we can fully blame this problem on guns or mental health. I don’t know if I would ever personally own a gun, but I respect the right to bear arms. However, this right to bear arms needs to be reformed and have greater restrictions. Not all gun owners are murderers. In fact, most of them probably aren’t. But realistically, would stricter gun laws put an end to the frequency of these mass shootings? Just like drugs, even if something is illegal and harder to get, the wrong people will always find a way to obtain it if they really want it.
At the same time, completely focusing on mental health increases the already too frequent stigma surrounding mental health and mental illness. This is an area dear to my heart, as I fight to abolish this stigma. So, every time something like this happens, mental health gets brought up again and I cringe. It’s a never-ending cycle. Yes, we do have a mental health crisis, and yes, I would say that every person who commits a mass shooting is experiencing some form of mental illness. However, not everyone who experiences mental illness is a mass murderer.
In my opinion, it’s a heart problem, a gun problem and a mental health problem. Still, I don’t have a solution. But I want to keep this conversation active. I want to talk about this. I want to help prevent another school shooting where 14 high school students and 3 staff members die because we are arguing about guns and mental health. It’s time to get over ourselves and listen to one another to understand. It goes beyond this argument and into life as we care for and love one another. Disagreement is inevitable. So when we disagree, it’s time we tell ourselves to stop and listen. Not to change our mind. Not to change the other person’s mind. But to understand one another and to love one another by validating their opinion.
Last night, I babysat two of my favorite littles. I put them to bed and went back upstairs to clean up our mess. I sat down to watch the Olympics and I could hear the four year old talking to herself. I had told her I would come check on her like I always tell her. And if I’m honest, sometimes it doesn’t happen. She either falls asleep before I get down there or her parents come home. After a minute or two of her talking, and talking to me through the monitor I decided I would go back down and cuddle her. It’s what she needed. It was different than normal but I recognized a need and I decided to be present and intentional. I decided to stay present and act. And the whole time I was talking to her, singing to her and cuddling her, I was thinking about what I can do to make sure she is safe at school. I still don’t have the answer, but I want to have the conversation. I want to take action to prevent this from happening again.
I encourage you to read the names of the victims. Even better (but harder) I encourage you to read their stories. I hope it motivates you to stay present, be intentional and act. We can’t forget them. We can’t push it aside and move on. We can’t only keep them in our thoughts and prayers. Pray for God to guide you in action for change. Stay present. Be intentional. Act.
Aaron Feis, 37
Alyssa Alhadeff, 14
Scott Beigel, 35
Martin Duque Anguiano, 14
Nicholas Dworet, 17
Jaime Guttenberg, 14
Christopher Hixon, 49
Luke Hoyer, 15
Cara Loughran, 14
Gina Montalto, 14
Joaquin Oliver, 17
Alaina Petty, 14
Meadow Pollack, 18
Helena Ramsay, 17
Alexander Schachter, 14
Carmen Schentrup, 16
Peter Wang, 15
My prayer (and I’m really praying it right now) is that you are inspired and encouraged to act. And if, like me, you don’t know where to start, I pray you would join the conversation. I pray you would listen to understand those who think differently than you. And I pray you will never forget to be present in the lives of your hurting friends and family. Stay present. Be intentional. Act.
As always, love fiercely and love boldly.
I'm an atheist. But I understand what people mean when they say they will pray. It means the victims and their families on their minds. The problem with "thoughts and prayers" is that it makes us feel better but it doesn't actually DO anything. If thoughts and prayers worked, we wouldn't keep seeing this same senseless violence over and over and over again. I said to someone else in another thread, there's a saying that God helps those who help themselves. We can't just pray and expect God to fix this. We have the power to fix it ourselves, if only we have the courage to use it. I am not anti-gun. But I think we can all agree that the Founders did not intend the 2nd Amendment to protect the right to own military-style assault weapons. Yes, those intent on murder will find a way, but let them find it. If they want to go into a school armed with a butter knife and inflict as much damage as they can, let them do that. But we don't have to make it so easy for them. I am hopeful that we will finally witness a paradigm shift. The generation born after Columbine is coming of age now. They can speak out. And they can vote. They can be the ones to stand up and say no more.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughtful reply! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and for your perspective!
ReplyDeleteHello Alisa,
ReplyDeleteThese senseless tragedies are the nation’s problem. It’s a gun and mental health problem. Our leadership needs to step in and do something. Like you, I’m tired of talking about this again and again. Something has to be done before another trade by happens.
I completely agree!!! Thank you for taking the time to read this!
DeleteThank you so much for sharing this. I agree, and there's a part of me that cringes when I hear "thoughts and prayers with [insert name of latest tragedy here]" but only because it's a cycle that seems to have no ending. I think that thoughts and prayers are always needed, especially to the victims and the families of those people left behind... but like you said, something also needs to change, so that we can provide prayers and thoughts to things outside of these senseless acts of crime.
ReplyDeleteXOXO and thank you so much for sharing your beautiful thoughts and lending your words to this topic <3