Crushed It

May was Mental Health Awareness month. And for all of May, I had planned to write this blog. For those of you who know me, mental health and mental health awareness is very important to me. I'm a big advocate of complete wellness, and this year my focus for myself is on taking care of my health holistically - spiritual, physical and mental.

I've been involved in the program to obtain my Master's in Social Work with a focus on trauma for about nine months and in that time I have learned even more about mental health care and advocating for mental health. Yesterday we learned that Kate Spade died in an apparent suicide. This news (as with anytime I hear of a suicide) was heartbreaking to me and reminded me once again that I need to be an advocate for mental health. So, before I get into what I've been trying to blog about all month, don't be afraid to seek help. It's ok to not be ok. But talk to someone about it. And if you are struggling with depressive thoughts and aren't ready to talk to someone you know, please reach out and call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255

One of the biggest takeaways in my program so far is something I think our world needs quite a bit more of: empathy and emotional intelligence. Let me just clear something up and let you know that empathy is not the same thing as sympathy. Sympathy is defined as the feeling of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune. Empathy takes it a step deeper. Instead of just feeling sorry for someone when they are in a bad place, empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. I taught about this in Fusion a month or so ago. Empathy allows a person to sit in their emotion and truly feel it. If you've seen the movie Inside Out, Joy and Sadness give the perfect example of empathy here 👇🏼

Inside Out

This is one of the most powerful scenes of the movie. Bing Bong realizes that losing the rocket means Riley is on the way to forgetting him completely. He watches it go and is immediately hit with the emotion of all the fun they had. Joy tries so hard here to distract Bing Bong and get him to move on. She offers her sympathy and condolences (“It’s gonna be ok”) but immediately tries to cheer him up. In her offering of sympathy, she doesn't really allow him to feel the emotion he is being flooded with. Then Sadness comes in. She recognizes and acknowledges the emotion Bing Bong is feeling. She even summarizes and repeats what he is saying about his emotion while allowing him to elaborate (classic psychology move). Joy is frustrated with this, but she sees the effect it has on Bing Bong and his ability to move forward. This is probably my favorite example of empathy and of emotional intelligence. The feelings and emotions Bing Bong is experiencing are recognized and validated. While she does say she’s sorry, Sadness doesn't come across in a way that she is feeling sorry for him. She lets him feel and sit in his emotion in a way that allows him to move forward.

So what is emotional intelligence? It's this new, hot way of saying that a person has the ability to understand and manage their own emotions as well as the emotions of others. This article lays out 13 signs of high emotional intelligence. They are good enough to share, but also good enough to read more about and the article explains them well!
1. You think about feelings.
2. You pause
3. You strive to control your thoughts (this one is hard for me)
4. You benefit from criticism
5. You show authenticity
6. You demonstrate empathy
7. You praise others
8. You give helpful feedback
9. You apologize
10. You forgive and forget (forgetting doesn't mean that the action is lost to your memory, it just means that the action doesn't cause you to think of the offending party any differently)
11. You keep your commitments
12. You help others
13. You protect yourself from emotional sabotage
Y'all know I love every single one of these. I'd encourage you to do some research on emotional intelligence to see where you are at. There are tests but the good ones are expensive so do a self evaluation. How are you doing? How can you improve?

It's fitting that the theme for this year's Mental Health Awareness month is Fitness #4mind4body because I decided to participate in my first ever round of Whole30. I completed my round yesterday and it totally changed my relationship with food. For those of you who think you don't have a relationship with food, check out the previous paragraph. Do some self evaluation. Check your emotional intelligence. Because you're lying to yourself.

For me, the Whole30 was truly life changing. It forced me to evaluate what I was eating, why I was eating and if I really needed to be eating. I think I was successful with the program because I allowed myself to make it work for me. While the template doesn't allow snacks, I allowed some compliant snacks. I am awake so many hours and active quite a bit throughout the day so I needed a little extra. Even though I made it my own I was still completely compliant and I am happy with the results I've seen! I am down 15 pounds, I have gained muscle and I have lost about 13 pounds of body fat (since January). #crushedit Today is my first day of reintroduction and so far I've still stuck to Whole30 compliant except for the 1 gram of sugar that is in the kimchi I accidentally bought (wrong brand, oops). I love eating this way. For me, this way of eating has been much more beneficial for me than before when I did Take Shape For Life. For those of you who have followed my journey or have known me for a while know that I had great success with TSFL. I even coached for a while. And I think what I learned during that time really helped me in making my Whole30 successful. That being said, it is so much more freeing to me to be able to cook all my meals, and to cook them in a healthy way. In fact, I love eating this way so much I have decided to transition into a “mostly Paleo” way of life. While Whole30 is good for 30 days, it's not realistic forever. However after doing some research, Paleo seems like a good option for me. It allows me to eat amazing food but also offers more freedom (I mean have you had Paleo ice cream?). My “mostly” part of this new way of life is going to be my food freedom talked about in the Whole30. Because, if I am having a run day or something, I would like to be able to have some carbs to keep me full and energized throughout. If everyone is going to get ice cream, I have the freedom to have a bowl and not feel guilty. I plan to do another round of Whole30 at some point. I love a good challenge, especially when it forces me to cook creatively.

One more thing, I promise. As I mentioned,this year is dedicated to my health. I've taken this month to reevaluate my physical health and reset my nutrition. I started counseling last fall just to work on my mental health. Though I've had times so far this year in my spiritual health where I have felt distant from God, I have also been overwhelmed by knowing He is here. He is with me. He is constant in my life. In fact, He ties all of these things together. He gives me the greatest example of empathy to look to. And even though at times I've been distant from Him, He has been growing me. He has been reminding me that Satan is going to try anything to get me distant from God. His schemes are clever and crafty. He butts in right where it hurts and tries to get at our most vulnerable states. My heart hurts sometimes because he is so crafty that he maneuvers his way into my self talk and feeds me these thoughts about myself and those around me. I've seen with certainty that I can't allow those lies to define who I am and how I think or act. My strength comes from Christ. John 10:10 talks about how Satan comes to kill, steal and to destroy but Jesus came so that we can have abundant life through Him. My prayer is that every day I would trust in Him and His plans and have the strength to say boldly “NOT TODAY SATAN!”. My prayer is that you would have the strength to say the same.

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.

When "Thoughts and Prayers" Aren't Enough

“My thoughts and prayers are with the victims.”
“I’m praying for you.”
“You’re in my prayers.”
“My heart goes out to the families of the victims.”

In times of tragedy, whether personal, community or greater, we always hear the same responses. Every. Single. Time.

I’m guilty. I’ve said them. I’ve said them because I truly believe there is power in prayer. I truly believe that God can and will continue to work through prayer. I have seen it in my own life and I have seen it in the lives of the ones I love. And maybe it’s just me, but there have been times where I have told someone I was going to be praying for them, had really good intentions to, and then just got busy with my own stuff. I forgot. I pushed it aside. So my good intentions, my “thoughts and prayers” were just something I could say to make myself feel better. Instead of sending my thoughts and prayers, recently I’ve tried to become more intentional when people I love are experiencing tragedy. “I’m praying for you” becomes “How can I pray for you right now, right here?” and “What can I do?” Sometimes the answer is that there is nothing I can do. But most of the time, just being there, sitting and walking through grief with someone means so much more than hearing the words “I’m praying for you.”

The intention is to stay present. The goal is to act. I’m grieved by another senseless tragedy. My heart is broken past the point of anger. I’m tired of all of this. I’m tired of saying “enough is enough” with these mass shootings. I’m tired of all of it. The last few days I’ve been thinking about what it means to stay present and act. And honestly, I can’t come up with a solution.

One side says it’s a gun problem.

The other side says it’s a mental health problem.

Neither side can get along with the other because neither side will fully listen. In my first class of grad school, we learned about finding common ground and listening to understand. The goal of common ground isn’t to necessarily change the other person’s opinion or even to find a solution, but to fully listen to what they are saying without arguing. Each side gets a chance to share their opinion and repeat back to the other person what they hear. In doing this, communication can happen in a way that honors and values opinions other than our own. Maybe we need to practice some common ground techniques with each other to jump into action. We need to hear each side to understand where everyone is coming from.

I don’t know what the solution is. And honestly, it’s driving me crazy that I can’t figure it out. I can’t figure out what needs to happen. But I know something needs to happen.
I don’t think we can fully blame this problem on guns or mental health. I don’t know if I would ever personally own a gun, but I respect the right to bear arms. However, this right to bear arms needs to be reformed and have greater restrictions. Not all gun owners are murderers. In fact, most of them probably aren’t. But realistically, would stricter gun laws put an end to the frequency of these mass shootings? Just like drugs, even if something is illegal and harder to get, the wrong people will always find a way to obtain it if they really want it.

At the same time, completely focusing on mental health increases the already too frequent stigma surrounding mental health and mental illness. This is an area dear to my heart, as I fight to abolish this stigma. So, every time something like this happens, mental health gets brought up again and I cringe. It’s a never-ending cycle. Yes, we do have a mental health crisis, and yes, I would say that every person who commits a mass shooting is experiencing some form of mental illness. However, not everyone who experiences mental illness is a mass murderer.

In my opinion, it’s a heart problem, a gun problem and a mental health problem. Still, I don’t have a solution. But I want to keep this conversation active. I want to talk about this. I want to help prevent another school shooting where 14 high school students and 3 staff members die because we are arguing about guns and mental health. It’s time to get over ourselves and listen to one another to understand. It goes beyond this argument and into life as we care for and love one another. Disagreement is inevitable. So when we disagree, it’s time we tell ourselves to stop and listen. Not to change our mind. Not to change the other person’s mind. But to understand one another and to love one another by validating their opinion.

Last night, I babysat two of my favorite littles. I put them to bed and went back upstairs to clean up our mess. I sat down to watch the Olympics and I could hear the four year old talking to herself. I had told her I would come check on her like I always tell her. And if I’m honest, sometimes it doesn’t happen. She either falls asleep before I get down there or her parents come home. After a minute or two of her talking, and talking to me through the monitor I decided I would go back down and cuddle her. It’s what she needed. It was different than normal but I recognized a need and I decided to be present and intentional. I decided to stay present and act. And the whole time I was talking to her, singing to her and cuddling her, I was thinking about what I can do to make sure she is safe at school. I still don’t have the answer, but I want to have the conversation. I want to take action to prevent this from happening again.

I encourage you to read the names of the victims. Even better (but harder) I encourage you to read their stories. I hope it motivates you to stay present, be intentional and act. We can’t forget them. We can’t push it aside and move on. We can’t only keep them in our thoughts and prayers. Pray for God to guide you in action for change. Stay present. Be intentional. Act.

Aaron Feis, 37
Alyssa Alhadeff, 14
Scott Beigel, 35
Martin Duque Anguiano, 14
Nicholas Dworet, 17
Jaime Guttenberg, 14
Christopher Hixon, 49
Luke Hoyer, 15
Cara Loughran, 14
Gina Montalto, 14
Joaquin Oliver, 17
Alaina Petty, 14
Meadow Pollack, 18
Helena Ramsay, 17
Alexander Schachter, 14
Carmen Schentrup, 16
Peter Wang, 15

My prayer (and I’m really praying it right now) is that you are inspired and encouraged to act. And if, like me, you don’t know where to start, I pray you would join the conversation. I pray you would listen to understand those who think differently than you. And I pray you will never forget to be present in the lives of your hurting friends and family. Stay present. Be intentional. Act.

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.

Christmas Isn't Everyone's Favorite

I remember the moment I got the news. I was at work. I didn't have time to process what I was hearing. I couldn't grasp the reality and the magnitude of the tragedy. I gave all the kids extra hugs as I left on that chilly December day four years ago. I got in the car and turned on the radio, only to hear more about it. I made it about a quarter of a mile before I was struck with the reality of grief for families I didn't know.

When I got home, I turned on the Christmas tree lights and sat by the tree for a long time in disbelief and in grief. I prayed, I cried and I wrote in my journal. I found that journal today:

I began to realize that in times like these, people doubt God. They question Him. "Do you really care?" "If you were really here...how could you let this happen?" "How could a loving God let twenty children get murdered?" It is also in these times that God wants to grab us up into His arms, hold onto our faces and say, "I am here. I have been here throughout eternity and will continue into eternity. I have never left. You must understand, my heart hurts too. My heart is grieving with you. I am crying too, while my heart breaks. Let me hold you, wrap you in my arms so you can see how much I love you. Pray with me. I am sovereign. I am love. I need you to be love to these people. Show them how great I AM through the storm. I WILL make all things new. I WILL conquer. I WILL wipe away every tear, eliminate death. I WILL win. Remember, I have already won. Trust me, child. Trust me.

I just couldn't believe that eleven days before Christmas, twenty babies and six adult babies would be missing from their family's celebration because of one man's actions. As I spent some time in prayer and reflection today, I wrote the names of each victim on my coffee cup. It was my simple way to honor their memory, even four years later.

School shootings hit me hard. They always do. I work with kids so I just can't fathom the horrific scenario. But this one hit just a little harder, I think because most of the victims were so little. One of my biggest fears is losing my children. I know I don't have any children yet, but it is a deep deep desire of mine to one day be a mommy. I also have so many kids in my life that I just can't imagine the pain of losing any of those precious ones.

Christmas is my favorite. We get to celebrate the birth of Christ, we get to give gifts to those we love, and we get to be surrounded by our family and friends. But not everyone loves Christmas as much as I do, and not everyone looks forward to it. For a lot of people, Christmas brings grief, sorrow and pain. A lot of this pain is rooted in loss - divorce, death and abandonment. These things are real and they hurt. These are the things that Christ came for. He came to be with us in the times that we are hurt and grieving. He also promises in Revelation 21 that there will be a time when all our tears will be wiped away. There will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt and suffering. He came so we can know this place by loving Him, and accepting His sacrifice. We owe Him everything, yet we don't have to pay anything. It's the perfect gift. We just get to be with Him in Heaven forever.

It's crazy to think about everything that happened just in 2016. I won't make a list of everything, but just highlight a few things heavy on my heart right now. I saw a picture on Facebook of someone's Christmas tree. They had taken the time to write down all of the names of officers and K-9s killed this year. It was sobering to see how full the tree was. As a daughter and sister of police officers, I love that idea as a way to honor and remember the fallen. Christmas is going to be hard for each and every one of those families. I also think about my friends who lost their son in January. This is the first Christmas since he passed. I think about my best friend who lost her cousin to cancer this year, and then about everyone (including my family) who has suffered loss because of cancer. I think of all the mamas who have lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth and of those who have just lost their babies. I think of the families of those who have taken their own lives because they feel hopeless, lost and alone. I think about the people I love who are struggling every day with their mental health. I can't imagine how hard their Christmases will be. I think about the people living in the streets and how hard it must be, especially this time of year. I think about the division in our country and those who are suffering from oppression and those who are blinded to it. I pray that we, as a country, can find a way to unite, stand together, love and fight for everyone. Finally, I think of the humanitarian crisis in Aleppo. I think of all those people who have suffered so much, and how Christmas will be hard for them. Reading the tweets makes it even more real and heart-wrenching.

As Christmas is only eleven days away, I can't help but reflect on the hard things, and pray for the people experiencing grief in this season. I urge you to be there for the people around you who you know are suffering, are in pain or are grieving. Help people. Even if you don't know them. Even if you don't have much to give. As Mrs. Lovett sings about in Sweeney Todd, "Times is hard." I get it. But even if you don't have much or anything to give, look for ways to help. It could be as simple as spreading the word, or as tangible as inviting a homeless person in for a meal and shower. Look for opportunities to make a positive impact on someone who is suffering.

Remember that Jesus is the reason we can celebrate and have joy this Christmas. Even in suffering, He is there. Even in grief, He is there. He came as a baby, lived a completely holy life, and paved the way for us to spend forever with Him by dying on the cross. If you want to know more about His perfect, never-ending love and sacrifice, I'd love to share more with you.

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.