Saturday, December 31, 2016

Another Trip Around The Sun

I went to the gym today to do my final workout of 2016. It was a trip. I don't know that I have ever seen that place packed with more people. Also, I was really excited because we got a new rowing machine, and even though it was full today, I can't wait to use it Monday! I have a love/hate relationship with going to the gym in January. I've written about this before, but I love to see how many new people join to fulfill their resolutions for the new year. But I hate to see the numbers become less and less as the year goes on. The gym is one of my favorite places to be. I love pushing myself to places I didn't think I could go. I would love to see all of the January newbies stay through December. That being said, I don't really care much for New Year resolutions. Don't get me wrong, I love making goals. But, for some reason, New Year resolutions seem to be less attainable goals. The last few years, I have picked a theme word or phrase for my year. I'll get to that. But before I do, I think that a new year is a good time to reflect on the past. Not to dwell or regret, but to smile, laugh, cringe and think about what the next year can look like. 

I'm really excited that my best friend agreed to join me on this one as a guest blogger. I kind of love her and you should too! Check her blog out at: Life In The Coffee Lane. (Also, yes, we definitely sent out Best-Friend Christmas cards. It's a new thing.)

10 Accomplishments (Alisa)
1. Speaking out for the things I’m passionate about
I’ve learned that it’s ok to not be silent about what I believe. I’m going to continue to speak out against the things that make my blood boil.
2. Doing things for me
I’ve done a better job of giving myself priority, of saying no to things I don’t need to do, and of choosing to get out there and do things for myself.
3. Beaver season tickets
Honestly my favorite purchase of 2016 – I can’t wait for next year!
4. Evaluating myself and my views about the world
This evaluation has been enlightening. I’ve finally come to realize where I stand politically, and have a new fire in my heart to speak out and stand up for humanity.
5. Graduating to preschool
This is far less stinky. Much fewer poopy diapers.
6. New family members
Not necessarily my accomplishment – but still fun to welcome Travis and Kaisha in to our crazy family. And also baby Skarlett. She just has no choice but to be a part of our family.
7. Hiring a personal trainer
Second best purchase of 2016 – I can’t wait to see the changes that happen this year!
8. Really thinking about and trying to live Jesus’ love for the world
Again – back to fighting for humanity – my goal is to love the way Jesus loves and to stick up for those who don’t have anyone to stick up for them.
9. Voting – even though I didn’t want to
Seriously a huge accomplishment. It took me two days, and I had to watch White Christmas to even get through my ballot.
10. Trusting God when I didn’t want to listen
This was the hardest accomplishment. That still, small voice inside. That’s a real thing. And worth it every time to listen to Him.
11. Rereading the Harry Potter series. Again. My yearly tradition (bonus)
Yes. Just so much yes.

10 Highlights (accomplishments, best memories) (Cori)
1. Moving to the west side in my own apartment
2. Being offered a leadership opportunity at work
3. Given more responsibility and trust at work
4. Rebuilding a relationship with cousins I had but on the back burner
5. Being a part of Norah’s life
6. Watching Miranda and Jordan become amazing parents to a beautiful baby girl
7. Finally understanding the importance of quality friends over quantity of friends
8. Gaining more confidence in myself and coming to terms that I like who I am and what I am doing with my life
9. Stepping outside of my comfort zone and making new friends
10. Having accomplished my goal of reading 75 books this year (nerd alert!)

10 Disappointments (Alisa)
Disclaimer: A lot of these disappointments are about my relationship with Marcus. I don't want you to think that he's not a good guy. He is. He's just not good for me.
1. Staying in an unhealthy relationship for so long, even though I knew it was unhealthy
Mostly I’m disappointed in myself because I could recognize that the relationship was unhealthy, but wouldn’t let myself get out of it earlier.
2. Losing sight of my joy
This also has to do with that unhealthy relationship. I wanted the future so badly that I let my joy dissipate little by little.
3. Letting others dictate my happiness and self-worth
See above – this relationship thing had a huge impact.
4. Losing focus on my time with Jesus
Again, see above.
5. Unwanted weight
I tried so hard for so long because Marcus wanted me to exercise a certain way that I gained some weight back once we broke up. That will change.
6. Letting someone else tell me how to feel my emotions
This was probably the biggest realization, and by far the biggest reason I broke up with Marcus. I was being told how to feel and experience my emotions. I was being told I couldn’t cry, because he didn’t want a “weak wife” one day. I started to try and change who I was and how I felt things, and I couldn’t be more grateful that I put a stop to that before it got worse.
7. Not watching the Sound of Music enough
I don’t know that I even watched it once in 2016. That may happen tonight.
8. Not going to Disneyland
It’s been 11 years. That’s WAY too long.
9. Not getting my acceptance letter to Hogwarts
This may sound like a joke to you, but it’s real. I’m still waiting. It’s just been held up in the Owlery for the past 15 years.
10. Not going skiing
I really would LOVE to ski again. Anyone want to plan a trip with me?

10 Disappointments (failures, missed opportunities) (Cori)
1. Applying and not getting into a doctorate program I was excited for
2. Saying goodbye to a cousin I loved dearly
3. Losing a friendship that had meant the world to me
4. Revealing I liked a person and not having that returned
5. Trying online dating and having two dates that did not turn out well
6. Saying goodbye to a supervisor that I cherished
7. Letting my stubbornness drive away a person I cared for
8. Being prejudice towards a new supervisor
9. Letting someone tell me I was not good enough and believing it
10. Using anger to fuel my need for acceptance

3 Game Changers (Alisa)
1. Marcus – relationship and breakup
I learned a lot. I loved hard. I changed too much. 2017 will be about finding myself again and learning how to love again in a healthy way.
2. The wedding
Not only did I gain a brother and a niece, I had a huge, impactful conversation with my dad that made me think about my relationship with Marcus (without him even knowing half of what the relationship looked like).
3. Humanity
It’s been a tough year for humanity – but it’s been a blessing to me to realize the impact I want to have for people.


3 Game Changers (unexpected events that shifted your priorities) (Cori)
1. A best friend finding someone else to rely on
2. A new opportunity at work that could boost my status in the field
3. Finding my God-given mission to help change myself

3 Things You Focused On (Alisa)
1. Relationships
Good and bad – I focused A LOT of attention on relationships.
2. The future
Marcus and I talked a lot about the future. We made plans. They didn’t happen. Once we broke up, I had to reevaluate that future. That’s about where I’m at going in to 2017.
3. Other people and their opinions
This was huge. Too huge for me. I need to remember that what other people think does not matter. All that matters is what God thinks and who He created me to be.

3 Things you Focused on (what you put most of your time into) (Cori)
1. Who I am
2. Being the best child and family therapist I can be
3. How to be more open and sharing what I am truly feeling, instead of hiding it and pretending I am okay

3 Things You Forgot (Alisa)
1. I forgot to rely on prayer as much as I should
I’ve started to change this again. I know my God is a God who hears and answers.
2. God made me to experience emotion the way I do on PURPOSE and for a purpose.
I’m a feeler. That’s how He made me and that’s how I’ll stay.
3. I don’t need to change for anyone.
Will I grow? Absolutely. I don’t want to be stagnant in my relationship with God. But I’m not going to change to get acceptance from anyone.

3 Things You Forgot (what you didn’t get around to) (Cori)
1. Saying sorry (help me out JB!)
2. To say goodbye
3. Trusting myself

Reflection (Alisa)
2016 was a year of lessons for me. It was a year to learn who I am, what I believe and to relearn the things I should be focusing on. I am thankful that I have grown through every thing that has happened this year, and especially thankful that God uses our pain to bring His peace and joy. I look forward to 2017 and a year of more growth, more opportunity and more change. Bring it on!

Reflection (how does this inform your plans for next year?) (Cori)
- For this next year I plan on applying to a different doctoral program with more confidence and understanding in what I am aiming for.
- Being able to be myself and not change to please others
- Feeling confident in the woman that God has made me and not hide that
- Knowing that people can change and that it is okay to talk about the pain it may cause
- Reminding myself that each day is a new adventure and that I have a support system that will love me and care for me every step of the way.

I decided I'm going to LEAP into 2017 this year. Leap is going to be my theme word. And because I'm me, leap is of course an acronym, and for all intents and purposes, LEAP is my New Year resolution. 
Love
Expectation
Adventure
Purpose

Love: First of all, I'm going to focus on loving God more than ever. I need to spend more time studying the Word, praying and focus my heart on Him every day. From that love for Him, I'm going to love myself more. I'm going to take time to do things I love. I'm going to look into options for my future, and I'm going to focus on the way I talk to myself about myself. By loving God more and loving myself more, I will be able to love people more fiercely and more boldly than ever. 2017 is going to be a year of bold, crazy, intense love. 

Expectation: I'm going to live with expectation. The expectation that my God answers prayers. The expectation that I can and will accomplish my goals and dreams. The expectation that I can get through trials and hurdles because I don't live by my own strength. The expectation that 2017 will be better than 2016. 

Adventure: I sure love adventure. I am looking forward to living an adventurous 2017. I don't know what that will look like exactly yet, but I'm guessing there will be more hikes, more spontaneous trips, and more meeting new people. Adventure is out there! Embrace and love the journey. 

Purpose: I am going to live my life on purpose, while pursuing the purpose God has for my life. I'm going to purposely seek out those who need love. I'm going to stand up for those who need standing up for. I'm going to purpose to be a better friend, daughter, granddaughter, sister and aunt. I'm going to live lifrom with purpose and with passion. I'm going to love with passion. I'm puprosely going to be active: physically, spiritually, mentally and in the way I stick to and live out the things I believe and am passionate about. 

So here we go, 2017, I'm leaping for you! 

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Christmas Isn't Everyone's Favorite

I remember the moment I got the news. I was at work. I didn't have time to process what I was hearing. I couldn't grasp the reality and the magnitude of the tragedy. I gave all the kids extra hugs as I left on that chilly December day four years ago. I got in the car and turned on the radio, only to hear more about it. I made it about a quarter of a mile before I was struck with the reality of grief for families I didn't know.

When I got home, I turned on the Christmas tree lights and sat by the tree for a long time in disbelief and in grief. I prayed, I cried and I wrote in my journal. I found that journal today:

I began to realize that in times like these, people doubt God. They question Him. "Do you really care?" "If you were really here...how could you let this happen?" "How could a loving God let twenty children get murdered?" It is also in these times that God wants to grab us up into His arms, hold onto our faces and say, "I am here. I have been here throughout eternity and will continue into eternity. I have never left. You must understand, my heart hurts too. My heart is grieving with you. I am crying too, while my heart breaks. Let me hold you, wrap you in my arms so you can see how much I love you. Pray with me. I am sovereign. I am love. I need you to be love to these people. Show them how great I AM through the storm. I WILL make all things new. I WILL conquer. I WILL wipe away every tear, eliminate death. I WILL win. Remember, I have already won. Trust me, child. Trust me.
I just couldn't believe that eleven days before Christmas, twenty babies and six adult babies would be missing from their family's celebration because of one man's actions. As I spent some time in prayer and reflection today, I wrote the names of each victim on my coffee cup. It was my simple way to honor their memory, even four years later.

School shootings hit me hard. They always do. I work with kids so I just can't fathom the horrific scenario. But this one hit just a little harder, I think because most of the victims were so little. One of my biggest fears is losing my children. I know I don't have any children yet, but it is a deep deep desire of mine to one day be a mommy. I also have so many kids in my life that I just can't imagine the pain of losing any of those precious ones.

Christmas is my favorite. We get to celebrate the birth of Christ, we get to give gifts to those we love, and we get to be surrounded by our family and friends. But not everyone loves Christmas as much as I do, and not everyone looks forward to it. For a lot of people, Christmas brings grief, sorrow and pain. A lot of this pain is rooted in loss - divorce, death and abandonment. These things are real and they hurt. These are the things that Christ came for. He came to be with us in the times that we are hurt and grieving. He also promises in Revelation 21 that there will be a time when all our tears will be wiped away. There will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt and suffering. He came so we can know this place by loving Him, and accepting His sacrifice. We owe Him everything, yet we don't have to pay anything. It's the perfect gift. We just get to be with Him in Heaven forever.

It's crazy to think about everything that happened just in 2016. I won't make a list of everything, but just highlight a few things heavy on my heart right now. I saw a picture on Facebook of someone's Christmas tree. They had taken the time to write down all of the names of officers and K-9s killed this year. It was sobering to see how full the tree was. As a daughter and sister of police officers, I love that idea as a way to honor and remember the fallen. Christmas is going to be hard for each and every one of those families. I also think about my friends who lost their son in January. This is the first Christmas since he passed. I think about my best friend who lost her cousin to cancer this year, and then about everyone (including my family) who has suffered loss because of cancer. I think of all the mamas who have lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth and of those who have just lost their babies. I think of the families of those who have taken their own lives because they feel hopeless, lost and alone. I think about the people I love who are struggling every day with their mental health. I can't imagine how hard their Christmases will be. I think about the people living in the streets and how hard it must be, especially this time of year. I think about the division in our country and those who are suffering from oppression and those who are blinded to it. I pray that we, as a country, can find a way to unite, stand together, love and fight for everyone. Finally, I think of the humanitarian crisis in Aleppo. I think of all those people who have suffered so much, and how Christmas will be hard for them. Reading the tweets makes it even more real and heart-wrenching.

As Christmas is only eleven days away, I can't help but reflect on the hard things, and pray for the people experiencing grief in this season. I urge you to be there for the people around you who you know are suffering, are in pain or are grieving. Help people. Even if you don't know them. Even if you don't have much to give. As Mrs. Lovett sings about in Sweeney Todd, "Times is hard." I get it. But even if you don't have much or anything to give, look for ways to help. It could be as simple as spreading the word, or as tangible as inviting a homeless person in for a meal and shower. Look for opportunities to make a positive impact on someone who is suffering.

Remember that Jesus is the reason we can celebrate and have joy this Christmas. Even in suffering, He is there. Even in grief, He is there. He came as a baby, lived a completely holy life, and paved the way for us to spend forever with Him by dying on the cross. If you want to know more about His perfect, never-ending love and sacrifice, I'd love to share more with you.

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.