I don't remember the context. But I clearly remember the words spoken to me and even where I was standing in middle school. “Maybe you should try Slim Fast.” It wasn’t helpful, but said with malice. It's been fifteen years and I've never told that story. Not even to my best friend. I don’t think I’ve ever even told my journal. Even now, I hesitate to tell it. As the years have gone on, I haven't thought about how powerful those words were in shaping my already fragile self image. But there are times, usually when I'm already struggling with feelings of self-doubt, when those words come back to me. They make me question how people really see me, and if it's how they have always seen me. Thankfully I now know my worth and my health are not measured by a number on a scale. My health is measured by the lifestyle I live - the choices I make daily to eat food that will fuel my body and allow it to function properly, daily exercise and yoga, slowly changing out my cleaning products for oil based natural products. My worth is based on the fact that I am a child of God, and honestly just because I am a human.
Fast forward twelve years. I’m in a relationship with someone who says he wants to marry me. Five months into our relationship, he tells me he cheated on me twice. He also tells me that he was only sharing the info because he was very drunk at the time. He asked me to yell at him and get mad but to never bring it up again. I didn’t. I didn’t yell. I didn’t get mad. I was devastated but I kept going, kept loving him and worked on forgiving him. All I asked was that he would stop drinking. He didn’t. He told me that if he couldn’t have alcohol and porn, he would cheat again. The last nine months of that relationship were about as fun as that moment. Some of this I’ve shared, but some I’ve kept to myself. I couldn’t cry without getting yelled at. I couldn’t even talk to or hang out with my friends without being questioned. I wasn’t allowed to think for myself or have opinions that were even slightly different than his. I was constantly being controlled from 2,000 miles away. I knew it was wrong. I knew I was hardening. But I stayed. I stayed because he told me how much he loved God. I stayed because I wanted to help him be better. I stayed because I wanted to prove that maybe the old adage of “Once a cheater, always a cheater” could be changed. I stayed because I had this inner battle that went back to that day in middle school. I believed if I didn’t stay, no one else would ever love me. My view of my self-worth was changed in that moment, and I allowed it to get worse through the daily emotional abuse I faced. It took a conversation with my dad for me to leave. My dad knew nothing about this bully. He didn’t know how many nights I cried myself to sleep because I had been hung up on, yelled at or just had it communicated with me that I was not worth much. But my dad saw a problem. He saw I was planning to stay with the guy who lived with his mom (who he hated), had a child in another state, but no job. He realized I would need to move there, with no job or support system. He was (rightfully) concerned for me and the ability to succeed with so little. I actually think my brother would have stopped me if I hadn’t broken up with him when I did. I could tell that he could see right through him and that he could see through me and my projected happiness. I also know I had a little fairy friend working with him planning motorcycle roadtrips to beat him up if needed, but that’s beside the point.
I wish I could say the abuse stopped when we broke up. But for the next few months, I would get texts from him, telling me how he was going to kill himself because I broke up with him. He would tell me how I made him so depressed and how if he died, it would be my fault. I would encourage him to get help, to talk to his friends and that he was not handling his emotions in a healthy way. Then I would get cussed out, yelled at some more and be left alone for a few more weeks. Even in our breakup, I was being emotionally abused. I was being bullied.
Bullying has been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve seen those close to me being bullied, I’ve seen the effects of bullying and I’ve witnessed it on national television. I think we need to remember exactly what bullying is. Let’s look at a couple definitions:
Bully (noun): a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker
Victim (noun): one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent; one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment
Simply, bullying is using superior strength or power to intimidate or hurt people who are seemingly inferior. Bullies have the ability to find their victim’s perceived weakness - whether it is an image issue, a physical weakness, an emotional weakness or a psychological/intellectual weakness. They are the things the person is most self-conscious about. An “A” student might be bullied for a failed test. A star quarterback may be bullied for a fumble that cost the team the game. A kid bouncing around foster homes may be bullied because he has holes in his shoes and bags under his eyes. A man may be bullied because he kneels for the flag in a peaceful protest of police brutality among the African American community. Sexual assault victims may be bullied for not speaking up right away, causing other women to be afraid or ashamed to come forward with their own sexual assault stories. I could go on. You get the point. It's not okay to be a bully.
So what do we do about this? What do we do when bullies are able to see the parts we are most self conscious about? What do we do when bullying is not something that ends in high school, but is evident in the highest parts of our government? I can tell you one thing. Posters don’t work. You know the ones. The ones where there are paragraphs of small print explaining how bad bullying is (it is) and how you’re supposed to go to teachers, coaches, your boss, the authorities or whoever is in charge and tell them. They are well-meaning but they don’t work. They get ignored. Sometimes the authority figure does nothing about the bullying because there is no proof. Sometimes the authority figure is the one doing the bullying so there is no one else to tell.
I don’t have an answer. But I know the conversation needs to begin way earlier than it does. It needs to begin in elementary school. It needs to continue in middle school and high school. It needs to extend into the home. It needs to extend into the workplace. Because we have a major problem. In the past month, I know of four kids who have died by suicide in the Salem area. Four. High school and under. One of the kids was twelve. She was the friend of one of my girls in the youth group. This particular girl (the one in my group) told me she was doing fine after the suicide because God must have let her die since her family is stronger now. I don’t know where this lie came from but I can tell you that God never wants suicide. Never. I’ll say it again. God NEVER wants suicide. It’s not His desire. It’s not His plan. He hates it. He can use suicide to bring people to Him, but He never wants someone to choose to end their own life.
Death by suicide is preventable. Depression is treatable. It’s not weird. It doesn’t make you crazy. It’s more common than most people think. Depression may be caused by an imbalance of hormones, genetic factors, biological factors, psychological factors or the environment. The biggest thing is that it can be treated through medicine and/or therapy. It can also be regulated through being intentional about self care. Self care is essential. Exercise, realistic and attainable goal setting, spending time with loved ones, taking your time when making big decisions, learning to be patient with yourself, etc. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be afraid of the feelings you have. It’s vital to reach out. It’s also vital to know your friends well enough to notice when things are off. When things seem like they might not be ok. Because sometimes, while self care is essential, self care is unattainable. It seems selfish and impossible because life is hard and depression sucks. Check in with your friends and seek them out even more when things get off. Seek them out to do the things they like and just spend time with them. You might not be able to heal them of their depression, but I can tell you that being supported and loved helps a lot in those times.
There is a stigma surrounding suicide and mental health. A stigma I talk about a lot. A stigma that needs to not exist. Mental health needs to be a normal conversation. Suicide prevention needs to be a normal conversation. Bringing it to light allows others to share their stories, feel less alone and may just save a life.
In January, Washington State quarterback Tyler Hilinski died by suicide. It was a shock to everyone who knew him. He seemed happy. He always had a smile on his face. He always brought a smile to everyone else’s face. Out of his death, the Hilinski’s Hope Foundation was created. Hilinski’s Hope works to destigmatize mental health and bring mental health to light alongside the other illnesses and injuries student athletes face. I had the honor of meeting Tyler’s mother and aunt last week at the Beaver game and I am so thankful for the work they are doing. I’m thankful for the Dam Worth It campaign at Oregon State, which has the same mission of working with student athletes to encourage them to seek the help they need and destigmatize mental health. It's focusing on reminding people that they are "Dam worth it" simply because they are. They were recently awarded a grant from the Pac-12 and will begin to travel to other Pac-12 schools with the hopes of bringing this kind of a program to all the schools in the conference.
I’m sorry this is so scatter-brained and long. I’ve been trying to write this for days, weeks even. Last month was suicide prevention month, Today was Salem’s Out of the Darkness walk in honor of those who died by suicide, survivors of suicide and those left behind. I wasn’t able to attend this year but it’s a powerful event and it’s been on my mind all day. I finally had to just sit down and write. Even if my thoughts are all over the place.
I’m broken for all the hurting and even more thankful for a God who hears. I’m thankful for the boldness of the students in our youth group. We went on a retreat this weekend and three kids put their faith in Christ. We thought. Two days after the retreat, another kid sent our pastor a message telling him he had just been too scared to say anything there, but he also put his faith in Christ. Wednesday night another kid trusted Christ. We also heard stories about two of our new brothers in Christ sharing the message of salvation with their friends. One led a friend to Christ and the other talked to seven kids about Him. When we asked him how many he thought believed the message, he nonchalantly answered five. These kids inspire me to be better. So many kids are hurting but I’m reminded that God is still working in their lives. He’s still changing lives. He’s still bringing people into the eternal truth of His love. He’s not going to leave us or forsake us. These are the truths I cling to. I pray you cling to them as well.
If you are one of the hurting, please reach out. To me, to a friend, to anyone. Sometimes it seems harder to talk to those you love, so know there is always someone available to talk. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
As always, love fiercely and love boldly.
