Another Trip Around The Sun

I went to the gym today to do my final workout of 2016. It was a trip. I don't know that I have ever seen that place packed with more people. Also, I was really excited because we got a new rowing machine, and even though it was full today, I can't wait to use it Monday! I have a love/hate relationship with going to the gym in January. I've written about this before, but I love to see how many new people join to fulfill their resolutions for the new year. But I hate to see the numbers become less and less as the year goes on. The gym is one of my favorite places to be. I love pushing myself to places I didn't think I could go. I would love to see all of the January newbies stay through December. That being said, I don't really care much for New Year resolutions. Don't get me wrong, I love making goals. But, for some reason, New Year resolutions seem to be less attainable goals. The last few years, I have picked a theme word or phrase for my year. I'll get to that. But before I do, I think that a new year is a good time to reflect on the past. Not to dwell or regret, but to smile, laugh, cringe and think about what the next year can look like. 

I'm really excited that my best friend agreed to join me on this one as a guest blogger. I kind of love her and you should too! Check her blog out at: Life In The Coffee Lane. (Also, yes, we definitely sent out Best-Friend Christmas cards. It's a new thing.)

10 Accomplishments (Alisa)
1. Speaking out for the things I’m passionate about
I’ve learned that it’s ok to not be silent about what I believe. I’m going to continue to speak out against the things that make my blood boil.
2. Doing things for me
I’ve done a better job of giving myself priority, of saying no to things I don’t need to do, and of choosing to get out there and do things for myself.
3. Beaver season tickets
Honestly my favorite purchase of 2016 – I can’t wait for next year!
4. Evaluating myself and my views about the world
This evaluation has been enlightening. I’ve finally come to realize where I stand politically, and have a new fire in my heart to speak out and stand up for humanity.
5. Graduating to preschool
This is far less stinky. Much fewer poopy diapers.
6. New family members
Not necessarily my accomplishment – but still fun to welcome Travis and Kaisha in to our crazy family. And also baby Skarlett. She just has no choice but to be a part of our family.
7. Hiring a personal trainer
Second best purchase of 2016 – I can’t wait to see the changes that happen this year!
8. Really thinking about and trying to live Jesus’ love for the world
Again – back to fighting for humanity – my goal is to love the way Jesus loves and to stick up for those who don’t have anyone to stick up for them.
9. Voting – even though I didn’t want to
Seriously a huge accomplishment. It took me two days, and I had to watch White Christmas to even get through my ballot.
10. Trusting God when I didn’t want to listen
This was the hardest accomplishment. That still, small voice inside. That’s a real thing. And worth it every time to listen to Him.
11. Rereading the Harry Potter series. Again. My yearly tradition (bonus)
Yes. Just so much yes.

10 Highlights (accomplishments, best memories) (Cori)
1. Moving to the west side in my own apartment
2. Being offered a leadership opportunity at work
3. Given more responsibility and trust at work
4. Rebuilding a relationship with cousins I had but on the back burner
5. Being a part of Norah’s life
6. Watching Miranda and Jordan become amazing parents to a beautiful baby girl
7. Finally understanding the importance of quality friends over quantity of friends
8. Gaining more confidence in myself and coming to terms that I like who I am and what I am doing with my life
9. Stepping outside of my comfort zone and making new friends
10. Having accomplished my goal of reading 75 books this year (nerd alert!)

10 Disappointments (Alisa)
Disclaimer: A lot of these disappointments are about my relationship with Marcus. I don't want you to think that he's not a good guy. He is. He's just not good for me.
1. Staying in an unhealthy relationship for so long, even though I knew it was unhealthy
Mostly I’m disappointed in myself because I could recognize that the relationship was unhealthy, but wouldn’t let myself get out of it earlier.
2. Losing sight of my joy
This also has to do with that unhealthy relationship. I wanted the future so badly that I let my joy dissipate little by little.
3. Letting others dictate my happiness and self-worth
See above – this relationship thing had a huge impact.
4. Losing focus on my time with Jesus
Again, see above.
5. Unwanted weight
I tried so hard for so long because Marcus wanted me to exercise a certain way that I gained some weight back once we broke up. That will change.
6. Letting someone else tell me how to feel my emotions
This was probably the biggest realization, and by far the biggest reason I broke up with Marcus. I was being told how to feel and experience my emotions. I was being told I couldn’t cry, because he didn’t want a “weak wife” one day. I started to try and change who I was and how I felt things, and I couldn’t be more grateful that I put a stop to that before it got worse.
7. Not watching the Sound of Music enough
I don’t know that I even watched it once in 2016. That may happen tonight.
8. Not going to Disneyland
It’s been 11 years. That’s WAY too long.
9. Not getting my acceptance letter to Hogwarts
This may sound like a joke to you, but it’s real. I’m still waiting. It’s just been held up in the Owlery for the past 15 years.
10. Not going skiing
I really would LOVE to ski again. Anyone want to plan a trip with me?

10 Disappointments (failures, missed opportunities) (Cori)
1. Applying and not getting into a doctorate program I was excited for
2. Saying goodbye to a cousin I loved dearly
3. Losing a friendship that had meant the world to me
4. Revealing I liked a person and not having that returned
5. Trying online dating and having two dates that did not turn out well
6. Saying goodbye to a supervisor that I cherished
7. Letting my stubbornness drive away a person I cared for
8. Being prejudice towards a new supervisor
9. Letting someone tell me I was not good enough and believing it
10. Using anger to fuel my need for acceptance

3 Game Changers (Alisa)
1. Marcus – relationship and breakup
I learned a lot. I loved hard. I changed too much. 2017 will be about finding myself again and learning how to love again in a healthy way.
2. The wedding
Not only did I gain a brother and a niece, I had a huge, impactful conversation with my dad that made me think about my relationship with Marcus (without him even knowing half of what the relationship looked like).
3. Humanity
It’s been a tough year for humanity – but it’s been a blessing to me to realize the impact I want to have for people.


3 Game Changers (unexpected events that shifted your priorities) (Cori)
1. A best friend finding someone else to rely on
2. A new opportunity at work that could boost my status in the field
3. Finding my God-given mission to help change myself

3 Things You Focused On (Alisa)
1. Relationships
Good and bad – I focused A LOT of attention on relationships.
2. The future
Marcus and I talked a lot about the future. We made plans. They didn’t happen. Once we broke up, I had to reevaluate that future. That’s about where I’m at going in to 2017.
3. Other people and their opinions
This was huge. Too huge for me. I need to remember that what other people think does not matter. All that matters is what God thinks and who He created me to be.

3 Things you Focused on (what you put most of your time into) (Cori)
1. Who I am
2. Being the best child and family therapist I can be
3. How to be more open and sharing what I am truly feeling, instead of hiding it and pretending I am okay

3 Things You Forgot (Alisa)
1. I forgot to rely on prayer as much as I should
I’ve started to change this again. I know my God is a God who hears and answers.
2. God made me to experience emotion the way I do on PURPOSE and for a purpose.
I’m a feeler. That’s how He made me and that’s how I’ll stay.
3. I don’t need to change for anyone.
Will I grow? Absolutely. I don’t want to be stagnant in my relationship with God. But I’m not going to change to get acceptance from anyone.

3 Things You Forgot (what you didn’t get around to) (Cori)
1. Saying sorry (help me out JB!)
2. To say goodbye
3. Trusting myself

Reflection (Alisa)
2016 was a year of lessons for me. It was a year to learn who I am, what I believe and to relearn the things I should be focusing on. I am thankful that I have grown through every thing that has happened this year, and especially thankful that God uses our pain to bring His peace and joy. I look forward to 2017 and a year of more growth, more opportunity and more change. Bring it on!

Reflection (how does this inform your plans for next year?) (Cori)
- For this next year I plan on applying to a different doctoral program with more confidence and understanding in what I am aiming for.
- Being able to be myself and not change to please others
- Feeling confident in the woman that God has made me and not hide that
- Knowing that people can change and that it is okay to talk about the pain it may cause
- Reminding myself that each day is a new adventure and that I have a support system that will love me and care for me every step of the way.

I decided I'm going to LEAP into 2017 this year. Leap is going to be my theme word. And because I'm me, leap is of course an acronym, and for all intents and purposes, LEAP is my New Year resolution. 

Love
Expectation
Adventure
Purpose

Love: First of all, I'm going to focus on loving God more than ever. I need to spend more time studying the Word, praying and focus my heart on Him every day. From that love for Him, I'm going to love myself more. I'm going to take time to do things I love. I'm going to look into options for my future, and I'm going to focus on the way I talk to myself about myself. By loving God more and loving myself more, I will be able to love people more fiercely and more boldly than ever. 2017 is going to be a year of bold, crazy, intense love. 

Expectation: I'm going to live with expectation. The expectation that my God answers prayers. The expectation that I can and will accomplish my goals and dreams. The expectation that I can get through trials and hurdles because I don't live by my own strength. The expectation that 2017 will be better than 2016. 

Adventure: I sure love adventure. I am looking forward to living an adventurous 2017. I don't know what that will look like exactly yet, but I'm guessing there will be more hikes, more spontaneous trips, and more meeting new people. Adventure is out there! Embrace and love the journey. 

Purpose: I am going to live my life on purpose, while pursuing the purpose God has for my life. I'm going to purposely seek out those who need love. I'm going to stand up for those who need standing up for. I'm going to purpose to be a better friend, daughter, granddaughter, sister and aunt. I'm going to live lifrom with purpose and with passion. I'm going to love with passion. I'm puprosely going to be active: physically, spiritually, mentally and in the way I stick to and live out the things I believe and am passionate about. 

So here we go, 2017, I'm leaping for you! 

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.

Christmas Isn't Everyone's Favorite

I remember the moment I got the news. I was at work. I didn't have time to process what I was hearing. I couldn't grasp the reality and the magnitude of the tragedy. I gave all the kids extra hugs as I left on that chilly December day four years ago. I got in the car and turned on the radio, only to hear more about it. I made it about a quarter of a mile before I was struck with the reality of grief for families I didn't know.

When I got home, I turned on the Christmas tree lights and sat by the tree for a long time in disbelief and in grief. I prayed, I cried and I wrote in my journal. I found that journal today:

I began to realize that in times like these, people doubt God. They question Him. "Do you really care?" "If you were really here...how could you let this happen?" "How could a loving God let twenty children get murdered?" It is also in these times that God wants to grab us up into His arms, hold onto our faces and say, "I am here. I have been here throughout eternity and will continue into eternity. I have never left. You must understand, my heart hurts too. My heart is grieving with you. I am crying too, while my heart breaks. Let me hold you, wrap you in my arms so you can see how much I love you. Pray with me. I am sovereign. I am love. I need you to be love to these people. Show them how great I AM through the storm. I WILL make all things new. I WILL conquer. I WILL wipe away every tear, eliminate death. I WILL win. Remember, I have already won. Trust me, child. Trust me.

I just couldn't believe that eleven days before Christmas, twenty babies and six adult babies would be missing from their family's celebration because of one man's actions. As I spent some time in prayer and reflection today, I wrote the names of each victim on my coffee cup. It was my simple way to honor their memory, even four years later.

School shootings hit me hard. They always do. I work with kids so I just can't fathom the horrific scenario. But this one hit just a little harder, I think because most of the victims were so little. One of my biggest fears is losing my children. I know I don't have any children yet, but it is a deep deep desire of mine to one day be a mommy. I also have so many kids in my life that I just can't imagine the pain of losing any of those precious ones.

Christmas is my favorite. We get to celebrate the birth of Christ, we get to give gifts to those we love, and we get to be surrounded by our family and friends. But not everyone loves Christmas as much as I do, and not everyone looks forward to it. For a lot of people, Christmas brings grief, sorrow and pain. A lot of this pain is rooted in loss - divorce, death and abandonment. These things are real and they hurt. These are the things that Christ came for. He came to be with us in the times that we are hurt and grieving. He also promises in Revelation 21 that there will be a time when all our tears will be wiped away. There will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt and suffering. He came so we can know this place by loving Him, and accepting His sacrifice. We owe Him everything, yet we don't have to pay anything. It's the perfect gift. We just get to be with Him in Heaven forever.

It's crazy to think about everything that happened just in 2016. I won't make a list of everything, but just highlight a few things heavy on my heart right now. I saw a picture on Facebook of someone's Christmas tree. They had taken the time to write down all of the names of officers and K-9s killed this year. It was sobering to see how full the tree was. As a daughter and sister of police officers, I love that idea as a way to honor and remember the fallen. Christmas is going to be hard for each and every one of those families. I also think about my friends who lost their son in January. This is the first Christmas since he passed. I think about my best friend who lost her cousin to cancer this year, and then about everyone (including my family) who has suffered loss because of cancer. I think of all the mamas who have lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth and of those who have just lost their babies. I think of the families of those who have taken their own lives because they feel hopeless, lost and alone. I think about the people I love who are struggling every day with their mental health. I can't imagine how hard their Christmases will be. I think about the people living in the streets and how hard it must be, especially this time of year. I think about the division in our country and those who are suffering from oppression and those who are blinded to it. I pray that we, as a country, can find a way to unite, stand together, love and fight for everyone. Finally, I think of the humanitarian crisis in Aleppo. I think of all those people who have suffered so much, and how Christmas will be hard for them. Reading the tweets makes it even more real and heart-wrenching.

As Christmas is only eleven days away, I can't help but reflect on the hard things, and pray for the people experiencing grief in this season. I urge you to be there for the people around you who you know are suffering, are in pain or are grieving. Help people. Even if you don't know them. Even if you don't have much to give. As Mrs. Lovett sings about in Sweeney Todd, "Times is hard." I get it. But even if you don't have much or anything to give, look for ways to help. It could be as simple as spreading the word, or as tangible as inviting a homeless person in for a meal and shower. Look for opportunities to make a positive impact on someone who is suffering.

Remember that Jesus is the reason we can celebrate and have joy this Christmas. Even in suffering, He is there. Even in grief, He is there. He came as a baby, lived a completely holy life, and paved the way for us to spend forever with Him by dying on the cross. If you want to know more about His perfect, never-ending love and sacrifice, I'd love to share more with you.

As always, love fiercely and love boldly.

I'm With You.

I wore a safety pin today. One of my kids at school asked me about it. So I told him I am wearing it so people know I'm a safe person to talk to. A while later his friend noticed it and asked me. Instead of me having to be the one to explain, the first child said, "It's so people know she's safe to talk to." They are three and four. They get it. They get that people might not feel safe so they need to know who is ok to talk to, and who is going to stand with them.

I was humbled by this four year old responding to his friend so quickly and matter-of-factly. It was so sweet, but it also made me sad. We live in a world where children witness violence, hatred and discrimination every single day. Kids humble me because they not only see and understand more than we give them credit for, but they see and speak truth. They see good in people when the world seems to be falling apart. My prayer is that kids will always see the good in all people. No matter what. Period. End of story.

I am broken right now. I am shocked, saddened and infuriated by the rise in hate crimes. I am appalled by the division in our country in a time we need unity. And I'm proud of the people I know who are standing up for the marginalized, the abused, the hated - the same ones Jesus would be loving the heck out of if He were here walking with us today. Jesus talks about loving the poor. He talks about loving the oppressed. He broke social norms and used His power and His love to attract and to welcome the marginalized. He sat with the tax collectors and the prostitutes. He seeks and He saves those who are lost. He extends grace. He loves the unloved and the unlovable. One of my absolute favorite passages in the Bible is Matthew 25:31-46:

“31 When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. 33 And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 35 for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; 36 I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? 38 When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? 39 Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40 And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

41 “Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: 42 for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; 43 I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’

44 “Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ 45 Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46 And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

You guys, God isn't asking us to only support and be there for and love those who look exactly like us. He calls us to love all. To love the least of these. He calls us to love the ones who are deemed by society as unlovable. So that's what I will do. I am wearing a safety pin because Jesus asks me to love those who are cast out by society. I am wearing a safety pin because there are people who have never experienced the unimaginable, powerful, amazing love of Jesus because the Christians they have met are judgmental, and make them feel as if they are unwelcome and unwanted in the Kingdom God invites all who believe in Him to enter. I am wearing a safety pin so I can share the same Gospel I love and believe with everyone not necessarily only by the words I speak, but by the actions I take and the way that I love people wholeheartedly.

I can't stop there though. Wearing a safety pin is not enough.

I will speak up when I see discrimination. I will stand up for those being discriminated against. I won't tolerate it.

I will speak up when I see abuse. I will stand up for those being abused - emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually. I won't tolerate it.

I will speak up against hatred. I will stand up for those who are hated. I won't tolerate it.

I will speak up against the stigma surrounding mental health. I will stand up for those experiencing all different types of mental health struggles. I won't tolerate people disregarding the struggle.

I will be silent so that when you need to be heard, you have a safe place to talk. I refuse to laugh at you when you cry, brush it off as if it's no big deal, tell you to suck it up, but will cry with you, affirm your feelings, and ask you how I can support you. I will love you relentlessly.

I was born into white privilege. I probably will never understand exactly what you are going through. I am a Christian. I may not agree with everything you believe or think. I am straight. I may not agree with or live your lifestyle. But I will not judge you if you come to me. I will not make you feel like less than you are because of who you are. If my two little three and four year olds can get it, maybe some other people can too.

Hakuna Matata

I told my best friend and myself that I was not going to write about the election. But here I am, Election Day 2016, writing about the election. I've never really been that into politics. It wasn't really a topic at my house. My parents didn't tell us who they were voting for and I never usually even knew who was running. I liked it that way. Sometimes I get nostalgic and think about how much easier life was as a kid, with that Hakuna Matata mentality. I didn't have to worry about if I was voting for the right person, choosing the right health care or figuring out life after a heartbreaking breakups. All I had to worry about was what my Barbies were going to do after school and which book I was going to read next (this is still a daily struggle).

Election day seems like a good day to reflect on our country and our freedom. We live in a country where women are allowed to vote. I never want to take that for granted. I hold that right dear to my heart and even though I didn't like the two main options I am thankful also that we are not limited to two candidates. Is it likely that a third party candidate will be elected? No. But is it possible? Yes. As a woman living in America I will not skip out on an election just because I don't like two people because less than 100 years ago, I would have been considered ineligible.

My preschoolers and I talked about the election today and how wonderful it is that the election falls on the same week as Veterans Day. When I asked them what day it was, most of the answers were "Tuesday" "Thursday" or "Psalm 100:4" but a couple of them have been listening and one girl answered "the day we get a new president!" I know you all know this, but kids watch. As they watch, they learn. Is the behavior we have modeled for our kids during this election the behavior we want the future leaders of our country to exhibit? I guarantee that if I had young children right now, I would go out of my way to make sure that they didn't see the example that many have set. I would have made sure to keep the election talk at minimum while the kids were around and protect their precious ears from the malice and hate on both sides of the spectrum.

One of my strongest desires is to one day have a family and children of my own. I've thought a lot about their character, and the kind of children I want to raise. I want my children to be well rounded in their activities and interests. I never want to limit their minds. I never once want them to believe they can't do something. I never want to tell my child that their dream is too big or wrong. I want them to know that they are loved beyond all measure by me and by the God who created them.

Which is why, above everything else, I want my children to grow up knowing and trusting the Lord. I want His Spirit to fill them in all they say and do. Tomorrow I'm teaching at youth group. And not ironically, but because God works in amazing ways, part of what we will be doing is breaking down the Fruits of the Spirit, which happen to be the same character qualities I pray my children exhibit in their daily lives.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

As I pray these for my children, it looks like this:
Love: I pray they love others as Jesus loves them - wholly, without bounds, and that they love those who are deemed unlovable.
Joy: I pray that no matter what their lives bring, God's joy would overpower them through every trial.
Peace: I pray that they feel the peace that surpasses all understanding in every trial and in every high. I pray also that they become peacemakers and exhibit God's character through their lives.
Longsuffering: I hate praying for patience, because it means God is going to give us situations we will need to use it. But I pray that when those times come, my children remember their patient and loving Father and show the same grace to everyone who needs it.
Kindness: I pray my children are kind to everyone they meet, and never let differences divide them from loving and being kind.
Goodness: I pray my children choose to be good to glorify God, not themselves or even me as their mother.
Faithfulness: I pray my children are faithful to those they love, but mostly I pray they are faithful to the calling God has upon their lives.
Gentleness: I pray that my children would treat others with gentleness and be forgiving when it's so hard to forgive. I pray also they would remember that forgiveness is not diminishing the wrongdoing but taking power and control over it, and choosing to forgive as Christ forgave us.
Self-control: I pray for my children to have self-control when faced with anger, joy, sorrow and temptation.

Step back a minute and look at this list. Now think about this election season. How did we do?

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law."

Love: Did you love everyone fiercely, even if they didn't agree with you?
Joy: When all is said and done, will you still have joy that you live in a free country where you have been given the right to vote? Even more, can you find joy in Christ, the Giver of joy?
Peace: Will you have peace if your candidate doesn't win? God gives us peace when things don't go our way because ultimately His plan is greater. Were you a peacemaker when the debates between friends got nasty?
Longsuffering: Were you patient when people said bad things about your candidate or did you lash out?
Kindness: Have you been kind in disagreement, or have you tried to prove you are right maliciously and without grace?
Goodness: Did you show the goodness of your heart or did evilness shine through?
Faithfulness: Did you vote true to your beliefs and were you faithful to your heart and what you believe about God in this election?
Gentleness: Were you gentle when others wouldn't relent?
Self-control: Did you have self-control when it came to the words you used against the candidates, their parties and their supporters?

No matter what the result of this election, I challenge and urge you to think about the character we want to model for our children. What kind of adults are we teaching them to be when we can't disagree peacefully? Ultimately, we are going to be ok. We can make it through the next four years. No matter what. But what we can't do in these next four years is show our children that it's ok to disagree maliciously, violently and hatefully. We can't show our children that the President determines the character in which we live our lives. But what we CAN do is unite. We can unite in purpose for a better America. We can unite in love for a more gracious America. We can unite in the way we stand up for people of all occupations, backgrounds, races, religions, sexual orientations, developmental abilities and physical abilities. We can give our children an idea of what it truly means to love people despite the differences.

It's so easy to turn to fear when we don't know what the future holds. But I am absolutely confident in my God's sovereign ability to reign over every aspect of our lives. Yes, even our country. Bad leaders are not foreign to Him. I am absolutely confident that whoever will be leading this country for the next four years is not greater than our God. He has the ultimate power and He has a plan for His people. No matter who is elected President, when this is all over, Jesus will always be King. That's what I taught my kids today. I told them that we have the power to vote, and that we don't always win, but we really do win because we have Jesus. So hakuna matata. No more worrying about this. Let God be in control and reign. He is bigger and more powerful.

We ended our circle time by honoring our veterans and our freedom through singing God Bless the USA. I'm thankful to live in this country. I'm thankful for the power to vote. I'm thankful that I can share my heart without fear of being thrown in jail because I am a Christian. Most of all, I'm thankful for my freedom in Christ, that my identity is found and secure in Him, and that He holds my future.

"If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife
I'd thank my lucky stars to be livin' here today
'Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can't take that away

And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free
And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God bless the USA"

Never stop praying for our nation, and for whoever the next POTUS is. Never stop showing grace, love and mercy to everyone. Walk in the Spirit live in the Spirit, and let those fruits shine in your life.

"And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." Galatians 5:24-26

It's Time To Wake Up.

I'm sure you have all heard or read parts of Martin Luther King Jr's famous "I Have A Dream" speech. But if you have never read the entire thing, I urge you to pause reading my blog...it will still be here...and go read it. It's powerful, and it's just as relevant now as it was on August 28,1963.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

Now is the time to realize that we have gone back in time. We are at war with ourselves again. We are fighting a fight that should have ended a long time ago. I look around and I see fear in the black community. I see the fear of getting shot during a routine traffic stop, or while their car is broken down. I have no tolerance for this. I'm done. I'm done hearing about innocent black lives being taken. I'm done hearing about police brutality. I'm done hearing the phrase "all lives matter" while white people brush over the fact that in this privileged society we live in, some lives sure seem to matter more than others.

I grew up thinking I had to be color blind. I was afraid to offend people by acknowledging that they were different than me. But there is a reality that I know and love:

I am White.

You are Black.

You are Korean.

You are Native American.

You are Arab.

You are Syrian.

I am a Christian.

You are Muslim.

You are Hindu.

You are Jewish.

You are Agnostic.

You are Atheist.

And I love you the same. But I can't say that all lives matter when I look on my news feed and see the hate, the discrimination, the injustice that is being done every single day. I can't say all lives matter when my friend is afraid to go out because another innocent black man just got shot. We want to be comfortable. All lives matter sounds comfortable. It sounds nice, fluffy and sweet. It sounds like we are embracing each other with open arms and uniting as one people. It's what we want. But "all lives matter" denies the fact that racism is still being fought every day. It fails to acknowledge the fact that we have been pretending for more than fifty years to be a nation united, regardless of race, when in reality, we have caused the same kind of division and separation the Civil Rights Movement fought so hard to get rid of. Now is the time to realize that Black lives matter too.

Now is the time to stand with the Black community in unity and in love. Now is the time to find peace. Now is not the time to engage in violent protests against police. Most police officers really are out there to do good for their community. Now is instead the time to stand together with our officers, and speak out against prejudice and injustice together. Now is not the time to take a knee during the National Anthem when you are mad at police officers. We sing the National Anthem to acknowledge the men and women who died for our country. Now is the time to stand together, arms linked in unity. Now is the time to build a bridge over the divide in our communities. Now is the time to stand as one nation, under God. "Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children." Now is the time to take off those colorblind glasses you've been wearing for years and acknowledge and embrace our differences in a way that glorifies God and brings people together with peace and unity.

More than ever, now is the time to pray.

We need to pray for eyes to see all people the way God sees us.

We need to pray for unity in our communities.

We need to pray that Black people wouldn't have to be afraid to walk out the door without getting shot.

We need to pray that God would bring peace to our communities.

We need to pray that we can stand together and fight for justice for all people, without using the ignorant and comfortable phrase "all lives matter".

We need to pray for opportunities to stand with our brothers and sisters in the Black community.

We need to pray for God's Word to spread, and for His message of hope to be our driving force.

We need to pray that ultimately, in all our actions, Christ's name is glorified above all.

Christians, it's time to wake up and pray for God to take the blinders off of your eyes so you can see what is happening all around you.

Grab my arm, say a prayer, and let's stand together for justice and unity. Please, no more violence. No more hatred. No more discrimination. Just love each other the way Jesus loves us. Sacrificially, wholeheartedly, without boundaries and unconditionally.

The God Who Hears

I am amazed at God's faithfulness. I am humbled by His love for me. I am in awe of His favor and the way He faithfully answers our prayers. All the time When we mess up, He is perfect. When we choose to follow our own plans, even though we know they are wrong, sinful or not His will, He is faithful. He is constant when we are not. he is just when we are not. He is strong when we feel weak and don't see the good that He will bring. He is peace when life is messy. He is hope when we are broken. And He is joy all the time.

I love prayer. I love talking to God as if He were standing in front of me. I love that when I mess up and confess, He still forgives me and still loves me the same. I love starting my day in prayer, and not stopping to say "amen" until I go to bed at night. As much as I love talking to God about everything, all the time, I admit that sometimes I get so distracted in my own stuff - stuff I could and should be bringing to God - that i don't pray. Prayer shouldn't be something that we have to remind ourselves to do. It should be as natural as breathing.

One of my favorite things about working at Riviera is that we are able to pray with the kids, and we encourage them to pray as well. We have our cute little prayer songs for the younger kids as an introduction - thanking God for the food, friends, apple trees and the birds that sing. I love to help develop little prayer warriors in these kids. This summer I've had the kindergarten and first graders. They are at a kind of awkward age where they think the singing prayers are kind of silly and cheesy, but don't really know what to say when they pray without them. I've had multiple kids with the passion and desire to pray, but when it comes time to do it, they "don't remember what to say" or "don't know how." My response is always the same: "You don't have to be perfect. Just talk to God the way you would talk to a friend. Thank Him, and tell Him what is going on." A few times, these meal time prayers have turned into moments where the children share their hearts of gratitude before God. They don't realize they have little hearts of gratitude, but they thank Him for every little thing in their life: moms, dads, step-moms, step-dads, dogs, cats and anything they think of at the time. Their prayers remind me to not only to be more grateful, but also to have gratitude in every little thing. No matter how little it seems to us, God wants us to come to Him, and He answers.

God desires for us to pray without ceasing. He calls us to not be anxious about anything, to not worry about anything, but to bring everything to Him in prayer and petition with thanksgiving. He knows our hearts. He knows what is going on with us, but wants us to come to Him still. He is omniscient, but still asks us to bring our requests to Him as if He is hearing them for the first time. Prayer brings us close to God. Prayer is our way of communicating with the One who created us.

I think that one of my favorite prayers is the prayer without words. It's those times where you just come to God without knowing what to say. It's in those moments I feel extra close to Him. Greater than friends finishing each others sentences, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us and prays the things we can't find words for. I've had moments like these in the last few weeks. Moments of heartbreak and moments of joy where I don't know exactly what needs to be prayed, or how to pray it. And in each moment I have felt peace, because I know God hears me, He knows my heart and He knows exactly what I need, even though I don't.

Another thing that I've learned from the kids and youth that I work with is to pray the impossible. We have one girl in our small group who always prays for "thing one and thing two". To us, it is silly, odd, nonsensical, and maybe even impossible. But between her and God, it means something. Her child-like faith in God is big enough that she has the confidence to pray seemingly nonsensical prayers. I used to think that some prayers are just too much to bring to God. I mean, He had bigger things to worry about so my big thing was just too much to add to His plate. There are times still that I am tempted to slip right back into this thought. I'm not sure where this distorted thinking came from but it just needs to go away. Because here is the thing: God's power is unmatchable. It's bigger than we can imagine. It's unmeasurable. It's one of those things we will never understand, unless He tells us when we are face to face with Him in Glory. Nothing is too big for Him. NOTHING! Our God is still the God of the impossible. He still makes impossible things happen. And He always answers our prayers - the tiny ones, the big ones and the ones that seem impossible.

I am confident He always answers. It's not always the answer we want, but there is always an answer: "Yes," "Not right now," or "I have something greater planned." We don't always understand His answer, but it's always good. As a leadership team for our youth group, we read through Bob Goff's book Love Does. It is challenging to think of greater ways to love our students the way Jesus loves us. A couple weeks ago, the chapter talked about impossible prayers.

God delights in answering our impossible prayers...Prayers asking for the things we couldn't possibly think could happen for us or someone else. Ones we might even feel a little bad saying, as if it's just asking God for too much. But what I forget is that we're talking to a God who knows that what we need the most is to return to Him, to return to our lives...God searches for us, no matter what dark place we're in or what door we're behind. He hears our impossible, audacious prayers for ourselves and others. And He delights in forgiving us and then answering those prayers by letting us return home to HIm...When we take Jesus up on His promises, He doesn't just stand in our lives knocking. He rips our small view of Him and what He can make possible right off the hinges.

We shouldn't feel bad when coming to God with the "impossible" prayers. He wants our hearts. He hears and answers our prayers. In the season I'm in right now, I'm asking God for big things. I'm asking Him to bring me amazing opportunities and allow me to be used for His glory in ways I could have only dreamed about before. If His answer is "yes," I will praise Him with my life and bring Him honor and glory through the opportunities I am given. If the answer is "not right now," or "I have something greater planned," I will praise Him with my life and bring Him honor and glory through the opportunities I am given. Even when His answer is not exactly what we want, His plans are greater than our own, and He still deserves our honor and praise in every single thing.

I challenge you, as I challenge myself, have faith like a child. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Pray about the tiny things - pray about the huge things. Don't let anything seem too little or too big for God. Have a heart of gratitude and praise. I challenge you to take a day and begin in prayer. The challenge isn't praying to start your day, but not saying "Amen" until you lay your head down at night, so that your thoughts are completely directed toward God. Pray always, without ceasing, don't worry, because God's got you.

What is your impossible, audacious prayer? I would love to join you in praying to our God who hears and always answers.

Breakups, Heartbreak and My God in the Midst

This is about to be really real. It's about to be really raw. And it's about to be really emotional. Partly because it's 3 in the morning when I'm starting this and partly because breaking up is hard.

I'm a feeler. My parents are both feelers. My grandpa is a feeler. I had no hope to not feel. I feel deeply. And I wear my heart on my sleeve. So as I went to bed on the 4th, I could sense the breakup coming. And I could feel the push from God saying that it is time. I didn't want to. Not one part of me wanted to end things with the man I deeply love. In fact, my initial and honest response wanted to be disobedience. I went to bed thinking we were broken up and woke up with a message saying that we were still together. It wasn't all pretty after that. In fact, it was pretty ugly. I think breaking up is probably one of the worst things ever. But I also think that, when you're really in love with someone,but you know that you need to part ways, or you know you aren't the best for that other person or you just know something isn't right, it's better for everyone to just accept the pain. does it suck? Absolutely. It sucks so much more than I could have ever imagined. Sorry Mom, I know you hate that word, but there's no other way to say it. When you love someone, you want what is best for their life. And when you realize that you aren't the best, it's time to move forward and part ways. And I still love him. So the best thing I can do, because I know it was the right decision, is to pray for him. For his happiness, his future, his son, his peace, his growth and his success.

As much as I didn't want this, because no one ever wants heartbreak, I know God has been preparing my heart for a while. And because He knows and loves me deeply, He knew that my heart would hurt a lot. He knew that I would cry a lot of tears. He knew in advance that not even a week before the breakup, I would write a blog post about trusting God, clothing myself with strength and dignity without fear of the future and loving Him, even and especially when things don't go as I planned.

My heart is broken today. But my heart isn't only broken for my circumstances. I let go of someone I love very much out of obedience to God. I know it is what is best for both of us, as much as it hurts now. I know that God is going to be there in every step of my pain and every time I just plain miss him. So yes, my heart is broken for a lost relationship. But my heart is even more broken, once again for this world that we live in.

Two black men were shot and killed by the police this week. In all honesty, the week that I've had emotionally, I didn't really want to read the articles or watch the videos about these tragedies. But what I know is that tragically, two more black men lost their lives.

Five police officers were killed in Dallas last night. Five. By one gunman.

This isn't a gun problem, people. It's a people problem. It's a heart problem. It's a sin problem. These just hit me too close to home. When people put all police officers in a box and say that law enforcement is bad and is out to get black people, that's a gut shot. Don't get me wrong, racism is far from gone. Racism seems to only be getting worse. We try to be blind to it, we try to cover it up, we try to deny it, but there is no denying the fact that racism is not even near being dead. But, to say that all police officers are bad is saying that my sister is bad. It's saying that my dad - the most amazing and compassionate man I know - is bad. It's saying that people I hold very dear to my heart are bad. We can't be so naive to think that there are no bad cops. But we also can't be so ignorant to believe that all cops are bad. Taking the badge is a sign of duty, respect and service to the community. Many of the officers out there put their lives on the line every day to protect and to serve, not to target black people and to kill them.

In the same way, we have to acknowledge, grieve and despise the fact that black people are getting targeted. Two black men shot by police this week. By the police. Which means these are the only two black lives lost that we heard of. This doesn't include racially motivated shootings by any other group, gang or individual. This week. If we were to take a look at the statistics, what would they say about this month, this year so far? This is unjust. This is uncalled for. It angers and disgusts me to think that we live in America in 2016 and this is still happening. We can do better.

It tears my heart to pieces when I think about the families of those who lost their lives this week. Of those who lost their lives in Orlando. Of those who lost their lives in every act of injustice taken out on them because of their skin color, because of their occupation, because of their religion or because of their sexuality. Our world desperately needs Jesus. Our country desperately needs Jesus. We need to hope again. I can't take much more of this. But the answer is never violence. All violence does is stir up hatred in a vicious cycle. We need more love. For everyone. Black lives matter. Police lives matter. Life matters.

Life matters because God says life matters. It's honestly hard to see God in all of this sometimes. But as Mr. Rogers so wisely said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” We can see God in the helpers. We can see God in the way He reveals Himself to us if we allow Him to. We find Him when we seek comfort for the overwhelming grief we feel for the fact that two black men and five police officers died this week. He is with us. He is wrapping us in His arms. He loves us through our grief.

For me, this week, I saw Him in His timing. I listened to Him, and over and over again He affirmed me. He reminded me to continue to listen to Him. He knows the plans He has, and He is leading me on the path He wants me to be on. Instead of disobedience, I am choosing to obey. Instead of dwelling in my sorrow, I pray. I pray for my heart, I pray for my future, I pray for all life to be honored. I pray for our country. I pray for the decision America has to make in the next few months. I can't let sorrow get the best of me. I can't let my heartbreak overcome me. I have to choose obedience every single day. Does that mean that my pain is completely gone? Nope. Still sucks. But it means that I'm healing and I'm letting God take my pain and use it for good. I'm allowing Him to take my sorrow and turn it to joy.

So as you lay these things in our Father's hands, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice, and let God overwhelm you with His strength and comfort. In such a time as this, clothe yourself in strength and dignity, and laugh without fear of your future.

Perfect Imperfections

Things don't always go exactly as we had them perfectly planned. We can be really good at planning things down to the minute, have everything set up and ready to go, when the unexpected throws us off guard.

My step sister got married almost a week ago. As we all know, there is never any stress involved with planning or executing plans in weddings. Weddings never have hiccups or any sort of trials to overcome. There is never family drama of any kind or the need to make sudden, unexpected changes. In fact, all weddings are completely, perfectly, 100% planned by a month before the date and all that needs to be done is the marrying part. Right. Maybe in the dream utopian world we would all like to believe existed.

Allyce and Travis' day was, however, nearly perfect. There was a slight late start on some of the plans, we almost hit a deer getting the bride to the church, but it was beautiful. It was a perfect, warm and sunny day, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves immensely.

As with any perfect wedding, there were some imperfections. Imperfections that just make the wedding that much more perfect and wonderful. While red velvet cupcake being splattered everywhere after the bouquet toss is a memorable, good and hilarious moment, the most notable moment of the entire day happened before the wedding even began.

My sweet, adorable, threenage nephew was the ring bearer. Poor kid may have been experiencing a slight cold to contribute to his threenage stage. It was almost "go" time. I was sitting with my brother, sister-in-law, and two older nephews waiting for this lovely ceremony to start. The rings had been tied to the pillow. The piano music was lovely as we waited patiently for the procession to begin. People started looking out the window of the little church and the next thing I know, my sister-in-law said to me, "They're looking for the ring." Instant panic. I ran out to help them search in the yard (as did a few other kind guests). It was the hardest Easter egg hunt ever. Ten minutes went by. No rings. Fifteen. Still no rings. My sister (his mom) and I checked the kid's pockets, took off his pants and checked inside his shoes. Nowhere to be found. After about twenty minutes of zero luck, the wedding went on using a borrowed ring, and with hope of finding it after the wedding.

A goat was exchanged, as well as the vows. There was a kiss and once again we were out the door to resume hunting. It took raking, and the lifting of the wooden ramp into the church for my other sister to find the rings. Exceeding anyone's expectations, they were found in the band of Curto's diaper. In those stressful minutes, all anyone could think about was finding the rings. After it was over, we laughed about it. Here's the thing: if the rings hadn't gone missing, Travis' grandparents would have missed the ceremony. We also wouldn't have this amazing story to tell at Curtis' future wedding.

Unexpected things happen in our lives all the time. Cars crash, grandparents get sick, friendships break apart. And through it all, God is good. God is at the center, in the midst of it all. He is directing us, if we listen. He is comforting us, if we allow Him. He wants to remind us that it's going to be ok if we allow Him to be the center of our lives. Because He works all things for the good of those who love Him. That doesn't mean it's always going to be easy. In fact, sometimes, instead of rings ending up in the band of a diaper, they could end up in the middle of the poopiness (I'm not sure if that is a word, but for all intents and purposes it is now). But when our lives are in the center of the poopiness, we can't forget that God is right there with us. He has a plan for us. He is making a way for us. He knows what is going to happen before it happens. Long before Zaccheaus couldn't see Jesus, God put that tree there. He knows our need. He puts people in our lives to meet our need. When our eyes and hearts are open to seeing Jesus, we need to be willing to climb the tree.

I've always struggled with trying to please everyone and ultimately trying to please myself by being perfect. It's taken a lot for me to realize that I don't have to please everyone. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. All that matters is that I am living my life to please the God I was created to serve and to love. I've also realized that I'm not perfect, and that I will never be perfect. But in my imperfections, there is perfection. Proverbs 31 has this beautiful imagery of the woman I desire to be.

Who[a] can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

So when life hits me unexpectedly, instead of panic mode, I will clothe myself in strength and dignity. I will laugh without fear of the future, because I know that my God is in my midst. My God is mighty. My God is powerful. And my God loves me more than I could ever imagine. Be brave. Expect the unexpected. And allow the perfect imperfections to bring you strength and joy.

Let Go Of Fear. Embrace Change.

Some things never change. My brother loves cars. I remember playing various renditions of the "car game" on road trips growing up with him. We would take turns choosing our cars, and the one with the best or the most cars in the end would win. He would always win. I chose the cars based on their color or even their functionality (as I was thinking about pretending to have a family to drive around in these cars). He chose the cars based on their value, horsepower, body style, etc. Car stuff. Now he has his own little collection of big and model cars, and I have one. He will always win the car game.

I have a couple people who I consider my very best friends. My cousin Stefani and I were best friends since the beginning, and we are each still one of the first people called if we need someone to talk to. Here's the thing about best friends. We don't sugar coat the truth or hesitate to call out wrongs. We don't pretend that everything is ok when everjything is falling apart. In fact, best friends can tell when everything is falling apart. There is no filter, and there are no masks or pretending to be someone else. Hannah and I became friends in middle school. We both played the flute, were both academically focused and we had some friends that ended up coming together to create our group. No matter what happens, Hannah is always one of my first phone calls if I need someone to talk to. We don't talk nearly as often as I would like, but I know she is always there, even if we are a four and a half hour drive apart. She still holds me up when I'm down, just like she held my dress up at prom. I kind of forced Cori to be my friend during our freshman year at Corban. I only knew one family at the time I moved to Salem, so I was determined to make a lot of new friends. Evidently so determined that I turned around during our first class together and asked her if she wanted to have a movie night with some of my other new friends. Though she didn't come to that first opportunity to hang out, we still became friends, and over the last eight years have become best friends. The thing that stays the same, with each of my best friends, is our heart. We can be walking different paths. We can have different things going on in our lives. But the one thing that remains the same, the one thing that never changes, is the fact that distance doesn't separate us or change our friendship. We are transparent with each other and we know that through everything, we are there for each other.

See, some things never change. And it's a good thing. I wouldn't trade any of those girls for the world. Some things do change though. And it's a good thing as well. I've lost some weight over the last few years. I've gained some of it back, but the majority of what I have lost, I lost for good. Throughout my journey to optimal health, I have a new found love and appreciation for exercise. It's not that I was sedentary before I lost my weight, but I didn't love it. I didn't appreciate the way a human body could change and transform. I had never experienced that sort of transformation. I always said I wasn't a runner. In 8th grade volleyball, we had to run from the middle school gym, around the high school tennis courts and back. In total, it may have been one quarter of a mile. But the one time I decided to give everything I had, and not come in last place, I ran smack into a handicapped sign, dented it, and got a bruise that looked like a teddy bear. Running was bad. I hated running, mostly because I was never in shape enough to run. My freshman year of high school, I chose swimming over volleyball, even though I loved volleyball, because I didn't want to be cut from the volleyball team for not being able to run fast enough. The varsity requirement was an eight-minute mile. That was intimidating to me because I don't think I could even run a complete mile without stopping to walk. I haven't ran an eight-minute mile yet, but I'll get there. Because I'm committed to changing my body and my lifestyle. 

Society and technology change too. And it's sure a good thing. Without technological changes, I wouldn't have met my boyfriend, and probably would have had a much harder time dating him for a year when we are 1,969.6 miles apart. I wouldn't be able to share my heart through this blog, or call my parents to just say hi. Without societal changes, I never would have been able to even date my boyfriend because he's black. I wouldn't have even been able to walk into the same restaurant or use the same water fountain as him. Change is good. For the most part, I would say that I welcome change. However, change also brings about controversy and conflict. Dred Scott > Civil War > Prohibition > Women's Suffrage > Gun Control > Gay Marriage > Marijuana Legalization > Syrian Refugees > Transgender Rights.

For some reason we are fearful of change. We are fearful of change as a nation, and we are fearful of change as individuals. I'm not going to go into my thoughts on each of the recent issues. Honestly, it doesn't matter for the purpose and point I'm trying to make. What matters is that change can absolutely not be feared. When these big issues come up, we can look into them logically, pray about them Biblically, explore them and form our own opinions, but we cannot for one moment let fear drive our lives. By living in fear, we are not living our lives to the fullest. We are choosing to swim instead of play volleyball because we are afraid to run.

I honestly can't stop thinking about and praying for the Pulse nightclub shooting. Initially, officials refused to recognize that the crime committed was an act of terror. I think they were afraid to say the word ISIS and admit that there are Islamic terrorists among us. They let fear drive their decision to withhold the fact that Omar Mateen declared allegiance to the Islamic State on a phone call with 911 during the attack. They let fear drive their decision to let people believe that this is a gun problem. They let fear drive their decision to let people believe that all Muslims are bad. We need to stop living in fear. A few days ago I saw an article that brought joy to my soul. The owner of Pulse seems to have committed to reopen the nightclub. I'm not saying that bars are good places to hang out, or that everyone needs to fly out to Orlando for the grand opening, but I'm proud. I'm proud that the owner is not letting fear ruin their lives. I'm proud that, despite the expected backlash and criticism, fear is not going to get in the way of honoring the victims and their families. Fear is not going to mask the fact that 49 people lost their lives and 53 people were injured. This world needs more love. This world needs Jesus.

When bad things happen, we tend to let fear dictate. We tend to stop our lives and live cautiously. God calls us to bigger and better things. He calls us to live life loud. We are called to let go of fear and allow God to drive our lives. We are called to love and to be loved by Him. Perfect love drives out fear. Over and over again, God tells His people to not fear because He is with them. He is still with us. This still applies. Isaiah 41:10 says, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." He will strengthen us, He will lift us up on wings like eagles, He will uphold us with His righteous hand. Most importantly, He will be with us every single step of the way. We also aren't supposed to stay the same. We are supposed to grow closer to Him, and look more like Him every day. We are called to allow Him to transform our lives and move in our lives. When we have just the tiniest bit of faith in Him, we can move mountains, and bring the kind of change that this world desperately needs.

I've come a long way since my freshman year of high school. I'm more mature. I look a lot better. I don't let the fear of not fitting in stop me from doing things. I don't hate running anymore. I am actually starting to really enjoy it (I might even love it). I ran a 5K last weekend. I completed it in 36:03. That's not quite an eight-minute mile, but I ran the whole time (minus the couple times I thought I might hurl). Change might not be easy, but I welcome it. A lot of the times, change is good, and it's worth it. Embrace the friendships and relationships that don't change despite time and distance. And welcome the inevitable changes that come when we allow God to take our fears from us, and transform us into the person He wants us to become.

My God is bigger than my fears.

Enough Is Enough

Unthinkable. Senseless. Sickening. Inconceivable. No matter what adjective you choose to use, there is heartbreak in the world every single day, and a whole lot of hatred. I've seen it too much this week to be silent. Because I'm done. I'm done with the violence. I'm done with the hate. I'm done with the response when any sort of hatred is executed. Too many times, people focus on the politics, the racism, the gun control, and the swimming times. It's legalistic. It's impersonal. We forget the victims. We forget the fact that these are or were real, live people with feelings and that they have families with feelings too. We forget that at the end of the day, love is the most powerful tool and weapon we have. Love has the power to heal the broken hearts. Love has the power to unite. Love has the power to speak for those who can't speak for themselves. Love has the power to change hearts. Love has the power to help the grieving. Love has the power to bring peace. And boy do we need peace. Love has the power to see hearts despite religion, color and sexual orientation. Love has the power to wrap the hurt and broken into His arms and weep. Love has the power to bring life. Love has the power to bring hope. My God is this love, and He has equipped us with the tools to love people this way. But we aren't. We are choosing to be silent, or to focus on the wrong things. After the attack in Orlando, Jen Hatmaker posted this on Facebook:

We read about the mass shooting at the LGBT club in Orlando on the way to church. The ANC community cried and prayed and lamented and lit candles. I had to come home and take my contacts out. My black friends taught me something important, particularly after the mass shooting in Charleston at Emanuel AME Church, which was a targeted mass murder like this one aimed specifically at a people group: When people anywhere have been targeted and murdered that share something specific with you - race, sexual orientation, religion - it is not only terrorism against the victims but psychological terrorism against their people group. It shakes down your sense of security and safety, because truly, it could have been you, your brother, your best friend, your dad. It IS you, your brother, your best friend, your dad. What hurts one, hurts all. What my black friends taught me is that the ancillary offense, where grief is compounded and loneliness sets in, is when their friends and colleagues outside of their tribe say NOTHING. When their churches don't stop and grieve. When their coworkers are silent. When their neighbors look the other way because they aren't sure what to say, so they say nothing. Our gay friends and kids and church members and neighbors are particularly hurting and scared today. As are their mamas and daddies and sisters and children. This targeted hate and violence is not just shocking the Orlando community (and the rest of us), but specifically the LGBT community and everyone that loves them. Here is what we can do: Call your gay friend, neighbor, daughter, college roommate, son, coworker, church member, brother - call them voice to voice, or even better, face to face where you can put loving arms around them and say: "This was unspeakable. This was horrible. This was unconscionable. I see this evil and I condemn it fully. I will sit right here and grieve with you. We will not gloss this over or forget. You might feel unsafe or insecure or scared today, and I want you to know you are not alone. I love you and I stand by you." Don't say nothing. The way to battle this kind of evil is to overcome it with love according to Jesus who, by the way, would be smack in the middle of Orlando if he was still walking around down here, attending to wounds and souls and beloved hearts. Put your arms around your gay friends and family members and speak love and solidarity and presence and hope into their lives. God in heaven, be near.

Guess what, y'all, not only would Jesus be smack in the middle of Orlando attending to wounds and souls and beloved hearts, but He would expect us to be doing the same. He would be weeping with the families of those who lost their loved ones. His heart would hurt for every single person affected by this heinous act of terror. Jesus wouldn't care if they were a part of the LGBT community. He doesn't say to us: "Love your neighbor as yourself...as long as they are Republican, as long as they are straight, as long as they are white, as long as they go to church every single Sunday and Wednesday." No. As Christians, "Little Christs", we are called to love all people, regardless of what they believe, what they stand for, and who they are. We are called to stand beside them in their pain and in their grief and weep with them. The hardest part of all of this is that we are also called to pray for those who persecute us. That means the bullies that persecute us in our schools, the rapists who happen to be really good swimmers, the people like Kevin Loibl who might have targeted Christina Grimmie because she was a Christian, and the people who persecute and target our country as a whole. Our instant response is hatred. Our instant response is to target and call out specific groups of people, to point fingers, and place blame. As much as you don't want to hear it and as much as I don't want to hear it, we are all bad. We all deserve hell. We all sin, and every sin creates a chasm between us and God. We fall short. Some people just choose to express their badness in worse ways. They choose to act in a larger scale than you and I. As much as you and I also don't want to hear this, God desires that ALL of the people He created choose Him. He sees our sin, but still loves us and wants us to come to Him. All of us. God can change hearts and bring unexpected people to Him. By refusing to pray for those who persecute us, we are no longer little Christs, but we are little Jonahs. We don't pray for them because of our hate, because we have been persecuted, because they are wicked, and ultimately because we know God can change their hearts if they turn to Him. Here's the bottom line: we live in a terribly broken and fallen world. We live in a time where there is more hate than there is love. We live in a time where political correctness has taken over and anyone can go and buy guns, even if they are on the FBI watchlist, because we are afraid to offend. There is racism all around us. I hate it. There are anti-gay protests everywhere. I hate them. There is sexual assault happening daily and people are getting just a slap on the wrist, while the victims live for the rest of their lives in fear, and with the pain of being attacked. I hate that. Please, for the love, don't worry so much about the lifestyle that other people live. You make your own choices on how you live and how you follow God. What we all need to work on is love. Let them know us by our love. Next time there is an act of terrorism or an act of violence clearly targeting a specific group, let them run to us as little Christs because we love like Him. He would be the first one by the side of those in grief and in pain. He would also be turning over tables on all of us who are choosing to keep the focus on the wrong things. John Piper says, "When we are done trying to establish, 'Is this my neighbor?' — the decisive issue of love remains: What kind of person am I?" Be the kind of person who loves endlessly, despite differences. Be the kind of person who grieves with those who are grieving. Be the kind of person people run to when they are under attack. Love. Show people what love really means. Bring love, solidarity, presence and hope. "This was unspeakable. This was horrible. This was unconscionable. I see this evil and I condemn it fully. I will sit right here and grieve with you. We will not gloss this over or forget. You might feel unsafe or insecure or scared today, and I want you to know you are not alone. I love you and I stand by you." And for the love, DO NOT BE SILENT. Love is not silent. Love shouts. Love has no bounds. Love pushes past borders and jumps right in. 1 John 4:18 tells us love has no fear. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." Love is action. Be that love.

Goals, dreams, and all that interferes

Last week I told my best friend that my goal was to blog once a week. I'm determined to be an encouragement to those around me through my words and through my actions. I'm also an awful blogger. I never really know what to write about. So I decided to write about goals. And dreams. And everything that gets in the way of those goals and dreams.

My boyfriend is a personal trainer. So naturally, he's my personal trainer. We made up this plan while he was here for me to run three days a week, do other workouts two and rest two. It's been great. I guess it's been fun too. Until yesterday. Yesterday I was tired. I work with kids all day, and yesterday they seemed to be a lot more energetic than normal. Which meant, I was exhausted. I really just wanted to be at home, pop open a nice cold watermelon, cucumber mint infused water and do absolutely nothing. The only problem with that plan was that it was a running day and I hadn't felt like waking up in time to go running in the morning. For about 3 minutes, I seriously contemplated back and forth not doing it. It's not like I'm being forced to run.

And then I thought of my goals and of my dreams. My goals are to exceed my own expectations of my body and to push myself to new limits in order to fully use this body God gave me. My dreams are to run marathons and half marathons. And I mean run them. I have a dream to get to the point where I can run steadily for 26.2 miles without walking. It seems impossible. It seems like it would take a miracle. But I know that hard work and determination pay off, and I know that my God is still in the miracle business.

So I ran my intervals on that treadmill. My goals and my dreams were more important to me than my one moment of weakness and my lack of motivation. You know what? I beat my time. Hard work and determination work wonders. I'm excited to see what tomorrow's straight 3 miles brings.

And here I am, blogging. Because my goal of blogging once a week and my dream of one day publishing some books is more important to me than my lack of motivation and inspiration to blog.

There are a lot of things that get in the way of our goals and dreams. This week, for me, lack of motivation and being tired almost did it for me. Sometimes it's finances. Worry. Pain. Hurt. Time. Time is a big one. I find myself saying "I just don't have enough time for that" when in reality, I'm not making it a priority. I want to focus on my goals and my dreams. I want to make them priorities in my life. So I'll keep running and I'll keep writing.

What are your goals and dreams? What are you letting get in the way of them? What do you need to let go of and make less of a priority to make them happen? Do it. Today. Find someone to keep you accountable to them. Because teamwork makes the dream work.

I'm not a huge Christian movie fan. I find them excruciatingly cheesy and just have a hard time sitting through them. But I love football. And I love me some football movies. One great combination of the two is Facing the Giants. There is a scene in this movie where, as a team, they are talking about their upcoming game. The team leader doesn't have faith that his team can beat their opponents, but that they are too strong. What the coach does next is amazing. He pushes him to his limits and makes him give everything he's got to reach the goal. Brock goes beyond the goal and does even better because he gives his all.

Sometimes our goals and dreams seem like giants because of everything that stands in the way of them. Don't let that stuff weigh you down to the point of giving up. Keep pushing. Keep running the race. Keep motivated and determined to reach your goal because NOTHING is too big for you when you're relying on our living and active God. When your strength is gone, God will renew it. Find more strength in Him. Because He is the coach, and He says to us:

"Keep going. Don’t quit.
Give me your heart."

https://youtu.be/-sUKoKQlEC4

PS: if you have any blog ideas, hit me with them. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

On Memorial Day: Thank You

Today, for the first time in forever, I slept in. Well, sort of. I woke up at 5:45, talked to my boyfriend, tried to sleep through a movie but failed, and got out of bed at 8:45. But then, due to not having anything to do all morning, I didn't even get into the shower and out of my pajamas until 12:30. It was amazing. I felt lazy but it was what we all need every once in a while.

But today is more than just a day to be lazy. It's more than just a day to stay in your pajamas until past noon. It's more than the barbecues, more than the family camp outs and floating down the river.

I've been honored to know several people in my life who have served our country. My Grandpa Bill served in both the Navy and as an Army medic, where he earned a bronze star for bravery. My step-grandpa Norm served airborne in the army. My cousin Heath served in the Air Force and my cousin Stefani and her husband are both Army. My nephew’s mom spent some time in the service. A dear family friend of mine also served in the Navy. No matter what stage of life I'm in, no matter what city I'm in, there is someone close to me who has sacrificed themselves and put their own life on the line for our country. And it's beautiful.

Not only have I been honored to know many who have served, but I have been fortunate to see each of them return home. Each and every one of the veterans I know will tell you that today is not about them. It's about those who paid the ultimate sacrifice for our country. It's to remember those who have died so we can be free.

I remember being in elementary school and learning the words and signs to Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA for a veteran's day assembly. I stood up there (I'm sure in a floral dress with a crocheted white short sleeved sweater - thanks mom) and sang the words “I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died to give that right to me.” I didn't know exactly what those words meant, but I knew they meant big things.

Like those I know who have served, when you thank a veteran or a current service member on Memorial Day, they will likely say, “Thank you, but today is not my day.” And there is truth to that. But, on Memorial Day, not only do we honor and remember the lives lost, but we honor and remember the families they have left behind. Each of the lives lost is someone's son, daughter, father, mother, husband, wife, uncle, aunt, friend. Each of the lives lost leaves behind a legacy. Part of that legacy is the people that person served alongside. They become a family as they serve together - brothers and sisters fighting for this country we love. When their brother or sister dies, they mourn along with the family of that brother or sister. A lot of times our friends and family who make it back haven't been able to grieve the loss of their brothers and sisters because they just had to strap on their boots and keep on going. Our friends and family then end up experiencing the loss over and over again in their heads - replaying the images of their brothers and sisters being killed in front of them.

Sometimes, as a nation we focus on the wrong things. We are so focused on being politically correct and pleasing everyone that we forget the important things. Sometimes we as Christians do the same. We are so quick to judge. We are so quick to call people out and to shame them. We shame a poor mama for turning her eyes for one second. Not to mention, we shame a zoo for choosing a 4 year old child's life over a gorilla’s. We don't listen and wait for the whole story. We don't take the plank out of our own eye before shaming the speck in our neighbor’s. Please, don't lose sight of what's important.

Memorial Day is about the lives lost. But let's not forget to wrap our arms around the ones left behind too.

To the mamas of those who paid the ultimate price: thank you. I can't imagine your pain, your grief and your sorrow. I hope you aren't forgotten, and that you are proud of your brave son or daughter.

To the dads, brothers and sisters who died for us: thank you. Your bond is different than that of a mama. Your grief is different, and your pride is different. You aren't forgotten today either.

To those who serve, and to those who have served: thank you. You watched your friends pay the ultimate sacrifice, and you continued on, even in your grief and sorrow. Thank you for serving this country and putting your life on the line. You are never forgotten.

To the babies of the ones we’ve lost: thank you. I can't imagine losing a parent. Your grief is big, it's real, and it's hard. You aren't forgotten.

To the wives and husbands who have lost the man or woman you love: thank you. You also made a sacrifice. The grief you must be feeling is unimaginable. You are remembered today.

To those who have given it all: thank you. Today is your day. Today we spend remembering your sacrifice and your commitment to this country. And we are proud of you. We grieve with those you have left behind. And we thank God for your sacrifice.

Cause there ain't no doubt you loved this land, God bless the USA.

An Open Letter To The Unhealthy Woman At The Gym

You are a distraction. 

I decided I would walk to the gym today. I walked 1.8 miles from my apartment to the gym. I was going to then do my incredibly intense workout, only to walk the 1.8 miles back home. So I did. I got to the gym already feeling accomplished of a task I hadn't even completed yet. I was feeling determined to push myself even harder tonight than I did on Tuesday doing this workout. I walked in, swiped my little UPC barcode from my phone, weighed myself before putting my stuff in a cubby and asked for a 10 pound medicine ball. 

At first I didn't see you. I was in my own zone, motivated by the energy of my walk there. And then, as I was setting up the little station for myself, I saw you. And then I watched you for a while. Physically, you were visibly unhealthy. You were not only extremely overweight, but I could see the strain your weight was having on your legs and your ankles. You were with your trainer doing some side step-ups. Step-ups are in my workout. However, the step you were using only came up to your ankle, while mine either comes mid-calf or to my knee. And you were struggling. It was hard for you. That was the last exercise of your workout. Your trainer told you that you had done a great job, and you followed him out. I started looking around the gym and saw more of you. There was another overweight woman on the bike, and another one doing some weight machines. There was an unhealthy man walking too. This isn't gender exclusive. 

Then I realized...I used to be you. People couldn't necessarily see the strain of my weight in my legs and ankles, and I could most definitely do leg lifts higher than my ankles. But if I had continued with my unhealthy habits, by the time I was your age, I could have easily become that person. I want to applaud you. I want to encourage you. I want to motivate you to keep going. 

You are stronger than you know. You have begun an amazing journey to be healthier, one that will change your life forever. There will be days that you want to give up. There are days that I want to give up. There are days that I start my workout and desire to give up because I just don't want to do it. Keep going. Keep pushing yourself. Don't let yourself get discouraged by the voice in your head telling you that you can't. It's just simply not true. Rest if and when you need to. But whatever you do, don't give up. It will be worth it. 

Set realistic and attainable goals. Set goals that you are able to accomplish in the next month. Set progress goals and keep track (I'm preaching to the choir here because I'm literally the worst at tracking progress). Set non-scale goals - ones that make you feel better, stronger and healthier. But also, set goals that seem impossible. Dream big. Audrey Hepburn said "Nothing is impossible. The word itself says, "I'm possible." YOU. CAN. DO. IT. Again, don't listen to the voice telling you that you can't. Fitness is not only physical, but mental. Your body won't go where your mind doesn't push it. Don't give up. It will be worth it. 

 Don't get discouraged. Don't feel intimidated or self-conscious about what you are struggling to do right now. It's ok. Don't be discouraged when you look around and see the lady hanging upside down in the middle of the TRX (that legit happened tonight). Don't be discouraged when you see the navy seal of a man doing a million push-ups. When you see all the people standing around gossiping, don't think that it's about you, even if they give you dirty looks - they are self-absorbed and most likely don't even know they are giving you dirty looks as they gossip about their friends. In those moments, smile at them, wave, and push yourself even harder. But don't give up. It will be worth it. 

Know that I think you are amazing. You have amazing strength to reach out and change your health. We have wonderful trainers at our gym. Great job for using them. I have seen your trainer with other clients and he does a great job. I can't wait to watch you get healthier and stronger. I can't wait to meet you at the gym again, to see you reach your realistic and attainable goals. I can't wait to watch you do the things that you believe are impossible for you. Come back often. And don't give up. It will be worth it. 

I want to leave you with some truth. You are faithfully known and cherished by the same God that knows and cherishes me. You are beautiful now, and no matter what goals you do or don't accomplish, nothing is going to change that. As we look to Good Friday tomorrow, I couldn't help but see Jesus in you. I don't know if you love Him or not, but I do know that He loves you. A whole lot. In fact, tomorrow we recognize His death on the cross, and on Sunday we get to CELEBRATE the fact that He is Risen and alive. Hebrews 12:1-2 gives us the picture of our faith as a race.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Just like our health, our faith has a course to complete and a race to run. We are commanded to run the race of faith with endurance. We are commanded to keep pushing, no matter how hard it gets, no matter what gets in our way, no matter how we feel about life that day, we have to keep pushing. Why? Because Jesus. Jesus endured (there's that word again) the cross, and is now sitting at the right hand of God. He is who we are to look to for everything because He is the author and finisher of our faith. He came to endure the cross, the shame and the weight of our sin with joy because He had the Father with Him. It was worth it. 

So, my friend, run your race of health with endurance. Don't give up. Even more than your race of health, run your race of faith with endurance. Don't give up. It's hard. But I can promise you, it will be worth it.