We All Have Those Days

It's taken me almost two weeks to write a post I've been planning for a month. Maybe it's because of the vulnerability of it. Maybe it's because I've been busy. Maybe it's because in the midst of going back to school, stepping down from a position and starting a new one, and just the craziness that family and life brings, I haven't put enough effort into my writing. Whatever it is, it's an excuse. I hate excuses. So I'm leaving the excuses behind, getting over my fear of being vulnerable and writing.

"December 7, 1941, a date which will live in infamy." 1941 was 49 years before I was born, but if we think about it, we all have those days which will live in infamy in our lives.

July 5th is a day which will live in infamy for me.

Let's go back in time to Thursday, July 4th, 2002. I was riding up to my grandparents' house for our normal festivities. My mom was driving, and my brother and dad were either already up there or coming up later. I don't even remember if my sister's were there, but I think some of my cousins were at least. As we were driving, my mom told me that Mama Rose had been diagnosed with lung cancer. She said that on Friday she was going to be going to the doctor for some tests and a treatment plan. I was scared, but honestly not too phased. I knew people died from cancer. But I also knew people are healed from cancer. We got there, played in the water, watched the fireworks over the lake, and started a campfire for smores. My grandma was extra tired that night, so she headed to bed earlier than the rest of us. You can probably see where this is going. My grandpa is not the quietest of men. Bless his heart, he tries. But when you can't hear well, it's hard to be quiet. I woke up at around 3AM to him running up the stairs to my mom and I (my dad and brother had to be back in Hoquiam for something so they weren't there) and frantic, loud whispers. "Connie, Mom is bleeding. You need to call 911." My mom did CPR on my grandma while on the phone with 911, and I went out to meet the paramedics at the end of the driveway, which seemed to take an eternity. Despite all efforts, my Mama Rose died on the morning of July 5, 2002.

Let's fast-forward 14 years. I am 26 years old, in a relationship, and planning to get married. I go to bed on the night of July 4th thinking that I'm worthless. Thinking that nothing I can do is good enough, yet knowing what needs to be done. On the morning of July 5th, I broke up with my boyfriend. I broke up with him because things weren't working. I couldn't have an opinion if it was different than his, I couldn't speak my mind, and I couldn't talk things out instead of just getting argued with, yelled at and hung up on. If you've ever felt like this, you know how hard it is to get out of it. You think that you'll never find anybody because you're not good enough for anybody else. You feel inferior. I will give him credit for not being intentional about this. He always told me he was a better friend than he was a boyfriend. And I believe him. He was looking for Perfection and I couldn't give him that. No one can. To say the least, I felt a lot of things that day. I felt like I didn't know what I was going to do, I felt scared, I felt relieved, and I was searching for light and searching for hope. And then I found it. Just when I was getting ready to leave everything that I loved for this man that I loved, I gave him up because I knew it was right. So I found this job, and I applied for it. Weeks went by, and I got a letter that said they had hired somebody else. I given it to God, but felt in my heart that I was the right person for that job. So it's hard. But it was just God telling me that it wasn't the time. He was telling me that I wasn't ready. I couldn't mentally and physically succeed at that job while still grieving the loss of a relationship.

July 5th, 2002 and July 5th, 2016 are both days that will live in infamy for me. Both of these days represent sadness. Both of these days represent loss. Both of these days I met with grieving and pain. But both of these days also bring me hope. They bring me joy. And they give me a story that will inspire and encourage others.

A lot of people remember the day that they were saved. The exact day. I don't know if I just don't pay enough attention, or if I'm a bad Christian. But, I don't remember a day. I remember events that led up to my salvation. And the day my grandma died is one of them. I have been going to church my entire life. I grew up in what I like to call a Christian-inspired home. We went to church on Easter and Christmas. We had a prayer that we said at dinner time, we had our Bibles, and we had those Alice Bible story books. And I think my brother had some of the boy version of the Bible story books. But we didn't live it all the time. When my brother got into high school, he started to go to youth group and young life. That's where I met Jeremy and April. I love them, and I could not wait to be in high school so that they could be my leaders. But my brother going to youth group and Young Life didn't inspire me to go to church. I would go to church with my friend Sonja, because her dad was the pastor. I would go to church when I went to visit my Grandma Barb. But I did not claim my faith as my own, and I didn't live my faith out. I didn't serve Jesus, and I loved him but I didn't show it. When my grandma died, I realized how short life is. How precious life is. How life can be taken in the blink of an eye, and we are never really prepared. In seventh grade, less than a year after my grandma died, my best friend's mom passed away of cancer. I had spent so much time at her house, that she was like another mom to me. And I loved her like one. As I thought about my grandma's death and my best friend's mom's death, life hit me hard. I realized that with the briefness of life on Earth, I can't live for myself. I needed something to live for. And I can't tell you how many times I had accepted the message when Jan preached it to me, or when Pastor Kent preached it to me, but it was now my own. I needed to start living for Jesus.

God always uses pain for good. After the flood, He gave a rainbow. After the crucifixion, He gave us The Resurrected Christ who promises us Eternal Life. After Mama Rose and Lisa passed away, He brought me into that Eternal Life. After my relationship ended, he gave me more hope, wisdom and direction. It has taken a while. It has been messy, and I was in a bad place for a while. But I wouldn't admit it to most people. I was too proud. Pride is a tricky thing. It's easy to have, and it's not easy to give up.

A year after the death of this relationship, on July 5th, 2017, I felt a flood of emotion. I remembered my grandma, and I remembered where I had hoped to be by that time. I got home from Charlie's, after not staying for fireworks, and started the process of going to bed. I also evaluated my heart. Where was I? How was I doing? It's important to evaluate your heart every now and then. Really, I should evaluate my heart everyday. I should, but I don't always. That night, as I began my evaluation, I realized what God had done in a year. I'm a completely different person. I have more confidence. More confidence in myself, more confidence in my ability, and we're confidence in my worth. I know I am worthy. Jesus died for me. He didn't have to, but He loved me enough to die for me. He thinks that I am worth something. He thinks that I am worth dying for. I have stuck up for myself this year. I have professed my ideas and my beliefs. I have made amazing friends, and also chosen to let some friends go. I realize that the people who really care will make an effort. And, that it's better to have fewer good friends than many acquaintances. I have made decisions for me. This is always hard for me. It goes back to that confidence and worth. But I know that I need to do things that are good for me. It's not out of selfishness, but it's out of self-love. Because I cannot be loved if I don't love myself. And let me tell you, I've learned to love myself better this year. I've learned to care for myself better this year. Just because I've learned it doesn't mean that I've always done it though. But I'm still growing there. I hired a personal trainer, I started to pursue my dream of planning weddings, I began to explore the place that I love the most and spend time with Jesus hiking. I decided to go back to school. I bought a new car. I made a hard decision to leave the kids and families that I love at the childcare to be with Charlie all summer, and make people's dream weddings a reality at my newest position.

Y'all, this last year has been a mess. It's been a Beautiful Mess. They were things that were hard. There were things that were really hard. And there are still things going on in my family and my life that make me want Jesus to come back so badly. But if I've learned anything this year, I know that Jesus created me to be an overcomer. He created me to learn through trials. He created to lean on him. He created me to show me how my story intertwines with His. And he is going to use that story to encourage and inspire others and bring people into His Glory. If I look back at my life, I wouldn't be where I'm at right now without July 5th, 2002 and 2016. I wouldn't have the faith I have. I wouldn't have the strength and confidence I have. So in the Beautiful Mess of hard stuff, I'm thankful for my God who sustains, protects and loves me.

Here's my encouragement to you:

1. Take a risk and do something that makes you happy.
2. Lean in to Jesus. Every. Single. Day.
3. Be you. Be proud of who you are. Don't be ashamed of who God made you to be. Don't be ashamed of your quirks. God gave them all to you. Embrace yourself.
4. "Spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24 is my daily reminder to be encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ, and to shine for Jesus through my life.
5. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt nails this one. Seriously. If you are in a friendship or a relationship where you feel inferior, it is not normal. Love yourself enough to recognize that something needs to change. Love the other person enough to tell them how they make you feel. Talk to someone. I'm always here for you.
6. As always, love fiercely and love boldly.

Hakuna Matata

I told my best friend and myself that I was not going to write about the election. But here I am, Election Day 2016, writing about the election. I've never really been that into politics. It wasn't really a topic at my house. My parents didn't tell us who they were voting for and I never usually even knew who was running. I liked it that way. Sometimes I get nostalgic and think about how much easier life was as a kid, with that Hakuna Matata mentality. I didn't have to worry about if I was voting for the right person, choosing the right health care or figuring out life after a heartbreaking breakups. All I had to worry about was what my Barbies were going to do after school and which book I was going to read next (this is still a daily struggle).

Election day seems like a good day to reflect on our country and our freedom. We live in a country where women are allowed to vote. I never want to take that for granted. I hold that right dear to my heart and even though I didn't like the two main options I am thankful also that we are not limited to two candidates. Is it likely that a third party candidate will be elected? No. But is it possible? Yes. As a woman living in America I will not skip out on an election just because I don't like two people because less than 100 years ago, I would have been considered ineligible.

My preschoolers and I talked about the election today and how wonderful it is that the election falls on the same week as Veterans Day. When I asked them what day it was, most of the answers were "Tuesday" "Thursday" or "Psalm 100:4" but a couple of them have been listening and one girl answered "the day we get a new president!" I know you all know this, but kids watch. As they watch, they learn. Is the behavior we have modeled for our kids during this election the behavior we want the future leaders of our country to exhibit? I guarantee that if I had young children right now, I would go out of my way to make sure that they didn't see the example that many have set. I would have made sure to keep the election talk at minimum while the kids were around and protect their precious ears from the malice and hate on both sides of the spectrum.

One of my strongest desires is to one day have a family and children of my own. I've thought a lot about their character, and the kind of children I want to raise. I want my children to be well rounded in their activities and interests. I never want to limit their minds. I never once want them to believe they can't do something. I never want to tell my child that their dream is too big or wrong. I want them to know that they are loved beyond all measure by me and by the God who created them.

Which is why, above everything else, I want my children to grow up knowing and trusting the Lord. I want His Spirit to fill them in all they say and do. Tomorrow I'm teaching at youth group. And not ironically, but because God works in amazing ways, part of what we will be doing is breaking down the Fruits of the Spirit, which happen to be the same character qualities I pray my children exhibit in their daily lives.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

As I pray these for my children, it looks like this:
Love: I pray they love others as Jesus loves them - wholly, without bounds, and that they love those who are deemed unlovable.
Joy: I pray that no matter what their lives bring, God's joy would overpower them through every trial.
Peace: I pray that they feel the peace that surpasses all understanding in every trial and in every high. I pray also that they become peacemakers and exhibit God's character through their lives.
Longsuffering: I hate praying for patience, because it means God is going to give us situations we will need to use it. But I pray that when those times come, my children remember their patient and loving Father and show the same grace to everyone who needs it.
Kindness: I pray my children are kind to everyone they meet, and never let differences divide them from loving and being kind.
Goodness: I pray my children choose to be good to glorify God, not themselves or even me as their mother.
Faithfulness: I pray my children are faithful to those they love, but mostly I pray they are faithful to the calling God has upon their lives.
Gentleness: I pray that my children would treat others with gentleness and be forgiving when it's so hard to forgive. I pray also they would remember that forgiveness is not diminishing the wrongdoing but taking power and control over it, and choosing to forgive as Christ forgave us.
Self-control: I pray for my children to have self-control when faced with anger, joy, sorrow and temptation.

Step back a minute and look at this list. Now think about this election season. How did we do?

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law."

Love: Did you love everyone fiercely, even if they didn't agree with you?
Joy: When all is said and done, will you still have joy that you live in a free country where you have been given the right to vote? Even more, can you find joy in Christ, the Giver of joy?
Peace: Will you have peace if your candidate doesn't win? God gives us peace when things don't go our way because ultimately His plan is greater. Were you a peacemaker when the debates between friends got nasty?
Longsuffering: Were you patient when people said bad things about your candidate or did you lash out?
Kindness: Have you been kind in disagreement, or have you tried to prove you are right maliciously and without grace?
Goodness: Did you show the goodness of your heart or did evilness shine through?
Faithfulness: Did you vote true to your beliefs and were you faithful to your heart and what you believe about God in this election?
Gentleness: Were you gentle when others wouldn't relent?
Self-control: Did you have self-control when it came to the words you used against the candidates, their parties and their supporters?

No matter what the result of this election, I challenge and urge you to think about the character we want to model for our children. What kind of adults are we teaching them to be when we can't disagree peacefully? Ultimately, we are going to be ok. We can make it through the next four years. No matter what. But what we can't do in these next four years is show our children that it's ok to disagree maliciously, violently and hatefully. We can't show our children that the President determines the character in which we live our lives. But what we CAN do is unite. We can unite in purpose for a better America. We can unite in love for a more gracious America. We can unite in the way we stand up for people of all occupations, backgrounds, races, religions, sexual orientations, developmental abilities and physical abilities. We can give our children an idea of what it truly means to love people despite the differences.

It's so easy to turn to fear when we don't know what the future holds. But I am absolutely confident in my God's sovereign ability to reign over every aspect of our lives. Yes, even our country. Bad leaders are not foreign to Him. I am absolutely confident that whoever will be leading this country for the next four years is not greater than our God. He has the ultimate power and He has a plan for His people. No matter who is elected President, when this is all over, Jesus will always be King. That's what I taught my kids today. I told them that we have the power to vote, and that we don't always win, but we really do win because we have Jesus. So hakuna matata. No more worrying about this. Let God be in control and reign. He is bigger and more powerful.

We ended our circle time by honoring our veterans and our freedom through singing God Bless the USA. I'm thankful to live in this country. I'm thankful for the power to vote. I'm thankful that I can share my heart without fear of being thrown in jail because I am a Christian. Most of all, I'm thankful for my freedom in Christ, that my identity is found and secure in Him, and that He holds my future.

"If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife
I'd thank my lucky stars to be livin' here today
'Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can't take that away

And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free
And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God bless the USA"

Never stop praying for our nation, and for whoever the next POTUS is. Never stop showing grace, love and mercy to everyone. Walk in the Spirit live in the Spirit, and let those fruits shine in your life.

"And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." Galatians 5:24-26